NEED TO KNOW
- Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sánchez hosted a Prime-tier wedding in Venice, complete with boat parades, bodyguards, and bulk orders of self-importance.
- Guests included Kim Kardashian, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Brady, and other people Bezos might add to cart later.
- Locals protested the event, calling it “an Amazon warehouse for narcissism, but with worse parking.”
A Wedding Only Billionaires Could Algorithmically Love
In what locals described as “an erotic hallucination sponsored by cloud computing,” Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sánchez tied the knot in Venice this weekend, unleashing a flood of celebrities and champagne — and reportedly confusing tourists who assumed it was just another Amazon IPO launch party.
Prime Members Board First
The celebration began with a welcome party at a 15th-century cloister, where guests arrived via boat convoy like a Venetian version of “Fast & Furious: Tax Haven Drift.” Sánchez wore a golden gown, reportedly inspired by Bezos’ dream of monetizing sunlight. DiCaprio was there too, presumably tracking the carbon emissions of everyone but himself.
Free Returns Not Available in Marriage
Originally planned for a nearby villa, the venue was shifted to the Arsenale — a historic naval shipyard — because even Bezos knows you can’t spell “nuptials” without “public relations.” The event was described by attendees as “elegant,” “emotional,” and “slightly behind schedule, like every Prime delivery in rural Ohio.”
Locals Launch Two-Day Protest, No Delivery Guarantee
Venetians, annoyed by the disruption, held signs reading “Alexa, cancel wedding” and “This isn’t Amazonia.” One gondolier muttered, “I liked it better when Clooney just showed up and left quietly.”
Quote of the Moment
It was romantic. Until the drones dropped the rice.
Anonymous guest, possibly a Kardashian.
