NEED TO KNOW
- Dean Cain has officially joined ICE, because reruns don’t pay like they used to
- He cited his “ten years as a sworn officer,” mostly in airports and Cameos
- Critics worry this sets a dangerous precedent for 90s stars with free time
Former Superman actor Dean Cain has joined U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, proving once and for all that no one is immune to midlife crisis cosplay. The 59-year-old, best remembered for playing a superhero in the 90s and now for aggressively quoting the Constitution at Home Depot, says he’s ready to “defend the homeland” — one poorly written press release at a time.
“I’ve worn the badge in several TV movies and I’ve read like, 60% of the ICE pamphlet,” Cain said in a video, standing in front of an upside-down American flag and a Ford F-250. “This is about saving America from people who weren’t born on Fox News.”
Sources inside ICE say Cain’s main duty so far has been yelling “Freeze!” at children’s birthday parties and demanding two forms of ID at Panda Express. Meanwhile, the Trump administration has praised the move as “an incredible commitment to freedom, masculinity, and the extended DC Universe.”
His next assignment reportedly involves dressing like a janitor and infiltrating a bilingual pre-K.
If this continues, observers fear Scott Baio may be placed in charge of drone strikes.
Quote of the moment
I just think we should all be worried when our immigration strategy involves a guest star from Sharknado 3
Sen. Alex Padilla, California
