Majority of Racists Agree: “America’s On Right Path”
A new poll reveals that racist white Americans think the country is on track, especially now that drag queens have fewer reading gigs…
The Penny Faces Retirement, Will Spend Golden Years Under Car Seats and in That One Drawer Everyone Has
As the U.S. stops making pennies, 114 billion of them prepare for retirement in junk drawers and the dark corners of society.…
Trump Wishes America a “Happy Memorial Day” by Screaming at Everyone, Including Ghosts
Trump posted a Memorial Day message so intense it made fireworks seem subtle. God bless the caps lock key.…
Indy 500 Rain Delay Shocks Absolutely No One
Rain has once again delayed the Indy 500, shocking absolutely no one and reinforcing that weather is undefeated in May.…
Memorial Day 2025: Nation Unites to Grill, Chill, and Forget What Day It Is by 3 PM
Memorial Day 2025: A day to reflect, remember, and grill meat until your HOA asks if everything’s okay.…
Scientists Confirm the Earth Is Round, Americans Demand Second Opinion
cientists confirm the Earth is still round. America demands an audit, a drone shot, and someone named Kyle to double-check.…
Trump Removes Solar Tax Credits in Big Beautiful Bill, Cites Longstanding Feud With the Sun
Trump cuts solar tax credits in his Big Beautiful Bill, finally settling his grudge against the sun for daring to shine too brightly…
Trump’s “One Big Beautiful Bill” Passes by One Vote, Nation Now Only One Cracker Barrel Fight from Collapse
Trump’s One Big Beautiful Bill passes by one vote, making history and ensuring toddlers can now invest tax-free in freedom.…
Matt Gaetz Mistakes Trump’s ‘Golden Dome’ Missile Plan for Something Filthier, Immediately Volunteers to Help
Matt Gaetz confused Trump’s “Golden Dome” missile plan with something wildly inappropriate and still tried to join the project. America sighed in unison.…
Kristi Noem Confidently Defines ‘Habeas Corpus’ as “Whatever the President Feels Like Today”
In a Senate hearing, Secretary Kristi Noem boldly redefined a 700-year-old legal concept in a way that made even the Constitution consider ghosting.…
