Man Heroically Drinks 9 Cans of Monster Energy to Power Through Jury Duty
A Hoboken man drank nine Monster Energies before jury duty. He cross-examined the vending machine, objected to gravity, and called himself “Judge Vibes.”…
MAGA Mary Voted to Be Racist, Not Poor, Sources Confirm
Mary from Ohio says her wallet may be empty, but her heart is full of patriotic indignation. Experts agree: it’s a powerful, if…
Americans Declare War on AI Fridge That Keeps Suggesting Salad
Smart appliances now offer health advice. But when one fridge locked up after four pints of ice cream, Americans snapped — and the…
America Loses Final AAA Credit Rating, Now Just a Really Big Dude With Vibes
Moody’s just downgraded the U.S. credit rating. Lawmakers promised reform, then wandered off mid-sentence. At least patriotism is still free.…
Trump Slams Supreme Court, Springsteen, and Swift in Late-Night Truth Binge
Trump took aim at Taylor Swift, Bruce Springsteen, and the Supreme Court in one rant. Swifties responded faster than Congress ever will.…
McDonald’s Opens 375,000 Jobs After Trump’s Deportation Order Clears the Kitchen
McDonald’s scrambles to hire 375,000 workers after Trump’s deportation push. Lines grow longer, but so do job openings for the sauce-savvy.…
Republicans Nix Millionaire Tax Hike After Realizing Rich People Are “Just Like Us, But With More Money to Donate
Republicans scrap tax hikes for the wealthy in Trump’s latest plan, citing fairness, freedom, and frequent flier miles.…
North Koreans Add Trump to “Fearless Leader” Photo Wall, Say His Vibe Just Fits
Trump joins Xi, Putin, and Kim on North Korea’s wall of strongmen. Critics call it chilling. MAGA calls it presidential stagecraft.…
Trump Plans Military Birthday Parade After Putin’s Flex, Hopes Xi RSVPs and Brings Cake
After Putin’s flashy military parade, Trump is demanding his own in Washington. Sources say he wants tanks, jets, and a RSVP from President…
Trump Reopens Alcatraz, Clint Eastwood Delivers Sermon to Empty Cellblock
Trump brings back Alcatraz and invites Clint Eastwood to yell at an empty prison cell. Critics call it surreal; supporters call it “deeply…
