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All the Latest in Sports
Coworker Who Doesn’t Watch Football Somehow Drafts Perfect Fantasy Roster Again
Every fantasy league has one: the coworker who doesn’t watch football, couldn’t name a single defensive player, and still wins. This year, Kevin’s back to terrorize his office with another perfect draft.
Cowboys Trade Micah Parsons, Announce New Defensive Scheme Called ‘Just Hoping for Turnovers’
Dallas trades its star, unveils strategy best described as “football by horoscopes.”
Jay Cutler’s DUI Deal Includes 4 Days in Jail, 1 Mandatory Class on ‘How to Look Like You Care’
Jay Cutler’s DUI plea deal includes jail time and a mandatory class on how to look like he cares, something he avoided perfecting in his 12 NFL seasons.
NFL Roster Cuts Explained: 90 Guys Fight to the Death So 53 Can Lose to the Chiefs Anyway
Every August, NFL dreams are crushed as rosters shrink from 90 to 53. Unfortunately, all roads still lead to another Chiefs victory.
Shilo Sanders Ejected for Punching Bills Tight End, Proves He’s at Least Draft-Worthy in the UFC
Shilo Sanders’ NFL career might already be slipping, but luckily Jake Paul is still booking undercards. When in doubt, swing first and call it “content.”
Supreme Court Rules 6–3 That Alabama Must Always Be Included in Playoff “For Historical Reasons”
Justices cite “tradition and vibes” in surprising 6–3 ruling that locks Alabama into the postseason forever.
Cunningham Out For Season With Knee Injury, Blames “Constant Need To Dodge Flying Dildos”
Cunningham says months of “dildo evasive maneuvers” may have contributed to her season-ending knee injury as fans continue launching rubber projectiles.
Caitlin Clark Credits Endless Rehab to “Finally Catching Up on Netflix Recommendations”
Caitlin Clark’s injury rehab has turned into a Netflix conquest, and she’s not apologizing for her binge-game dominance.
NFL Coaches Pretend to Learn Something From Preseason Week 1 While Secretly Just Picking Favorite Long Snappers
NFL preseason Week 1 delivered dazzling rookie moments, unearned fan parades, and the league’s most intense long snapper beauty pageant to date.
