Trump’s “One Big Beautiful Bill” Passes by One Vote, Nation Now Only One Cracker Barrel Fight from Collapse
Trump’s One Big Beautiful Bill passes by one vote, making history and ensuring toddlers can now invest tax-free in freedom.…
Walmart Faces Boycott Over DEI Rollbacks, Still Somehow Sells 11 Million Pool Noodles
Boycotters demand equity from Walmart, but still rely on it for shampoo, socks, and existential dread.…
Matt Gaetz Mistakes Trump’s ‘Golden Dome’ Missile Plan for Something Filthier, Immediately Volunteers to Help
Matt Gaetz confused Trump’s “Golden Dome” missile plan with something wildly inappropriate and still tried to join the project. America sighed in unison.…
Kristi Noem Confidently Defines ‘Habeas Corpus’ as “Whatever the President Feels Like Today”
In a Senate hearing, Secretary Kristi Noem boldly redefined a 700-year-old legal concept in a way that made even the Constitution consider ghosting.…
House Republicans Demand to Subpoena Autopen, Claim It May Have “Signed Over the Country to China”
House Oversight Committee Chair James Comer has launched a bold new investigation into former President Joe Biden’s use of an autopen. The Republican…
Feds Cuts Pediatric Cancer Research to Fund $5 Million Ashli Babbitt Settlement
Moody’s didn’t downgrade America for this, but maybe they should’ve. The DOJ just paid $5 million to a rioter’s family and took it…
MAGA Mary Voted to Be Racist, Not Poor, Sources Confirm
Mary from Ohio says her wallet may be empty, but her heart is full of patriotic indignation. Experts agree: it’s a powerful, if…
Trump to Walmart: Eat the Tariffs, Don’t Raise Prices or Else
Trump warned Walmart not to blame his tariffs for price hikes, insisting the company should absorb the cost. “Inflation is a choice,” he…
America Loses Final AAA Credit Rating, Now Just a Really Big Dude With Vibes
Moody’s just downgraded the U.S. credit rating. Lawmakers promised reform, then wandered off mid-sentence. At least patriotism is still free.…
MAGA Asks Trump to Abolish Pride Month, Says Rainbows “Too Aggressive”
MAGA asks Trump to cancel Pride Month, calling it extreme. The LGBTQ+ community responded with grace, glitter, and one disco tank.…
