NEED TO KNOW
- Trump insists Coca-Cola agreed to switch sweeteners during a heartfelt exchange with a vending machine.
- Coca-Cola gently reminded the public it follows “federal law,” which somehow counts as treason now.
- High-fructose Corn Syrup producers have declared a “state of syrup emergency.”
President Donald Trump says he’s suing Coca-Cola for breaking an agreement they never knew they made. According to him, the company promised to switch to cane sugar after a “very productive” talk — allegedly with a bottle of Mexican Coke in a Mar-a-Lago golf cart.
Coca-Cola replied under a Fox News post, assuring the public that its drinks are “wholesome and legal.” Trump saw this as a betrayal of everything sweet, pure, and vaguely nostalgic. “This is bigger than Watergate,” he told reporters, holding up a receipt for a 12-pack of Diet Coke as evidence.
He claimed the deal was sealed “man-to-man, bottle-to-leader,” and that the company was “too woke to honor handshake nutrition.” The president’s MAHA initiative, led by Health Secretary RFK Jr., has been pushing for real sugar and fewer artificial dyes — often by yelling at fast food menus.
When asked how a one-sided conversation counts as a contract, Trump responded, “If I say it happened, it did. Cane sugar wins.”
If Coca-Cola won’t honor their handshake with my taste buds, they’re not an American company
Donald J. Trump
