NEED TO KNOW
Donald Trump announced Friday that the United States now owns a 10% stake in Intel. Then, in the very next sentence, he demanded the “other 90% of their secrets,” insisting that “the real stuff” must be hidden in their server basements.
According to aides, Trump believed the White House was cutting a deal with “intel” as in intelligence, not Intel the company. “We wanted the Epstein client list, maybe the JFK files, maybe even UFOs,” Trump said. “Instead, we got semiconductors, which is basically the same thing but smaller and harder to read.”
Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick tried to spin the arrangement as historic for American manufacturing. He said the deal would create thousands of jobs and secure supply chains. Trump immediately interrupted, claiming the chips were “the crunchy kind with ridges, the ones you dip in salsa.”
The Intel CEO, Lip-Bu Tan, reportedly left the Oval Office “visibly shaken.” Staffers say Trump leaned across the table and asked whether the company could “boot up” the Epstein client list if they “overclocked it.” When Tan explained that microchips and intelligence files were unrelated, Trump allegedly replied: “You’re telling me you don’t store the dirt on Bill Gates inside a Pentium processor? Sounds suspicious.”
Still, Trump touted the deal as “the best trade since the Louisiana Purchase.” He also insisted that by owning part of Intel, America now technically owns “most of the world’s information,” though advisers quickly clarified that it does not.
We were hoping for CIA-grade intel. Instead we bought CPUs, GPUs, and probably some USBs. It’s fine, we’ll use them for gaming.
Rudy Giuliani, Cybersecurity Enthusiast
