NEED TO KNOW
- President Trump says America should invest directly in Cracker Barrel, comparing it to his Intel stake strategy.
- Calls it a “national security issue,” insisting rocking chairs and biscuits must never fall into Chinese hands.
- Proposal includes taxpayer-backed gravy bonds and mandatory chicken-fried steak subsidies.
Biscuit Diplomacy
President Donald Trump announced Monday that he wants the United States to acquire a 10% stake in Cracker Barrel, declaring it “as important as microchips, maybe more.” Speaking from the Oval Office, he praised the restaurant chain for “feeding real Americans with hashbrown casseroles instead of fake soy nonsense.”
“We took Intel, and now it’s time we take breakfast,” Trump said. “America will own the biscuits, own the rocking chairs, own the gravy—maybe all of it. It’s about control.”
Logo Panic Meets MAGA Economics
The move follows widespread outrage over Cracker Barrel’s recent logo redesign, which critics say stripped away too much nostalgia. Trump seized on the anger, suggesting federal intervention was necessary. “The logo is weaker, the people are upset, and frankly, it’s a disaster,” he explained. “But if America owns 10%, we can fix it. Maybe bring back Uncle Herschel, make him stronger, more patriotic. Maybe holding a flag, maybe holding a gun.”
Wall Street Meets Waffle Iron
Analysts say the plan could be complicated, as Cracker Barrel is a restaurant chain, not a semiconductor manufacturer. Still, Trump insisted the math checks out: “Chips are chips. Silicon chips, potato chips, doesn’t matter. Either way, America wins.”
Markets reacted nervously, with Cracker Barrel stock briefly spiking after rumors of a federal “pancake stimulus package.” White House insiders confirmed Trump is also floating “gravy bonds,” which would allow investors to receive quarterly dividends in sausage gravy ladled directly into mason jars.
Intel gave us motherboards. Cracker Barrel will give us motherloads.
Larry Kudlow, unofficial Secretary of Breakfast
