NEED TO KNOW
- Trump calls on Coca-Cola to return to its “heritage flavor,” citing 1886 as “a tremendous year for beverages and billionaires”
- The Founders Formula includes real cane sugar, nostalgic glass, and subtle undertones of felony-grade stimulants
- Pepsi responds by releasing “New Liberty Meth” in a red, white, and blue can
Following a Truth Social post from President Donald Trump calling the original 1886 Coca-Cola recipe “the peak of American greatness,” the company has announced a limited-edition release: **Founders Formula™**. The throwback beverage will honor “the entrepreneurial spirit, carbonated chaos, and medically unhinged ambition” that defined the brand’s early years.
The revived formula features real cane sugar, vintage glass bottles, and what Coca-Cola calls “aroma nods to legacy alkaloids.” While the FDA has yet to comment, a leaked memo refers to it as “definitely illegal in most countries.”
Trump praised the move during a brief address from what appeared to be a tanning bed. “This was when America was great. When soda could wake you up and also convince you to buy a horse. Tremendous times,” he said.
Collectors are already bidding on unopened six-packs of the Founders Formula, some of which include a QR code that links to a sepia-toned video of Trump nodding next to a statue of John Pemberton. The ad’s tagline: “Make Soda Psycho Again.”
Quote of the moment
We’re not saying it has cocaine, but we’re not not saying it
Coca-Cola Heritage Division, Anonymous Senior Executive
