NEED TO KNOW
- Ben and Jerry split after feud with Unilever over Gaza
- Ben immediately retreats to warehouse full of Chunky Monkey
- Vermont now faces a statewide banana shortage
Vermont authorities confirmed late Wednesday that Ben Cohen, half of the legendary Ben & Jerry’s duo, consumed the company’s entire warehouse of Chunky Monkey ice cream after his longtime partner Jerry Greenfield officially quit the brand. The emotional binge was described as “historic, but also dairy-related.”
Warehouse Heartbreak
Witnesses say Cohen forklifted himself into the storage facility, armed with nothing but a soup ladle and a Spotify playlist called “Breakup Jams 1978–2025.” Sources report he told a pint of Chunky Monkey, “You’re the only one who understands me now.” Employees allege he refused to leave until the freezers echoed only with the sound of empty tubs rolling across the floor.
Local hospitals confirmed no official medical emergency was declared, though several nurses described Cohen’s post-binge condition as “existential brain freeze.” A spokesperson for Unilever noted the company would not replace the destroyed stockpile, citing “supply chain concerns and the fact that Ben ate literally everything.”
Custody Battle Over Flavors
While Jerry departs with his social activism intact, Cohen has reportedly filed for full custody of Chunky Monkey and joint custody of Cherry Garcia. Magnum executives, who now oversee the brand, remain unwilling to comment on “ice cream divorce proceedings,” though one insider whispered that “Jerry gets Half Baked on weekends.”
Meanwhile, Vermont faces a statewide banana shortage, with economists warning prices may double by fall. Farmers confirmed Cohen personally inhaled the equivalent of four banana harvests. “This breakup is worse than the Beatles,” lamented one distributor. “At least Paul McCartney didn’t eat all the inventory.”
He kept yelling that Chunky Monkey was ‘the only one who stayed.’
Dr. Sheila Browning, Vermont Dairy Board
Unilever declined to comment on the incident, though insiders say the company is quietly reviewing policies on both inventory security and emotional support desserts.
