NEED TO KNOW
IINDIANAPOLIS, IN – In a bold move to simplify learning, Indiana’s State Board of Education has approved a new line of “fact-light” textbooks for public schools.
The board says these books are designed to protect students from “unnecessary complexity and historically divisive information.” Many sections have been replaced with patriotic phrases, color illustrations, and large-font affirmations like “America: Heck Yeah.”
“We’re not dumbing things down,” insisted board chair Gary Dooley. “We’re simply teaching what matters. History should inspire kids, not confuse them with details.”
History Gets a Glow-Up
The new curriculum compresses American history into five tidy moments: the Declaration of Independence, Abraham Lincoln’s hat, the moon landing, Ronald Reagan smiling, and a flag waving gently behind a bald eagle. Entire centuries are summarized in motivational quotes and tasteful clip art.
The Civil War is now described as a “spirited disagreement over regional preferences.” Meanwhile, slavery is covered under “unpleasant economic trends.” Reconstruction is skipped entirely, and the civil rights movement is briefly mentioned during a chapter on “bold fashion statements.”
Science Also Simplified
In biology, students learn that “frogs exist, and that’s pretty neat.” Evolution is labeled “just one theory,” and climate change is categorized as “a debate best left to future generations.” Diagrams have been replaced with stickers, and quizzes now ask things like “How American is this animal?”
Parents and Politicians Rejoice
Brenda Witherspoon, a local parent and part-time crystal healer, said, “I love these changes. Last year, my son came home asking about systemic racism. This year, he asked me what color the Founding Fathers’ vibes were.”
Governor-elect Blake Hammerstone called the decision “a turning point for truth-based education,” adding, “If it didn’t fit on a trucker hat, was it ever really history?”
What Comes Next?
The board already has plans for future updates. Math books will eliminate division, “to promote unity,” and English classes will focus on identifying real news by gut instinct. Geography textbooks will rename foreign countries “Future Allies” or “Do Not Trust.”
While critics warn that the state is fostering ignorance, the board remains firm. “We believe in clarity, not clutter,” said Dooley. “Kids shouldn’t need to know every little thing. That’s what documentaries are for — the ones with a voiceover by Mike Rowe.”
Quote of the moment
We’re not dumbing it down. We’re patrioticizing it
Gary Dooley, Indiana State Board of Education Chair
