Musk Announces New Party, Immediately Tries to Lay Off Half of It
Elon Musk announced the America Party to counter Trump’s megabill, then immediately laid off half the staff “for efficiency.”…
Trump to Host UFC Fight on White House Lawn, Offers Biden “Opening Bout” in Lawn Chair Joust
Trump announced a live UFC championship fight on the White House lawn for America’s 250th birthday, inviting Biden to warm up with a…
Boebert Demands Drug Test After Jeffries Sets Filibuster Record, Cites “Suspicious Vocabulary and Hydration”
Lauren Boebert demands a drug test after Hakeem Jeffries delivers marathon House speech, citing “advanced vocabulary” and “hydration levels not seen since Peloton.”…
Congress Slips Five Hidden Provisions into Trump’s Megabill While Nobody Was Looking
Tucked deep inside the 1,123-page Trump megabill are five ridiculous policies involving Reagan, dubstep, and Olive Garden gift cards. The law just got…
Vance Casts Tie-Breaker, Immediately Asks What He Voted On
Vice President JD Vance broke the Senate tie on Trump’s megabill, then asked what the bill was. Experts say that tracks.…
Trump Bans Musk from Clubhouse, Says “He’s More Deep State Than Deep Learning”
Donald Trump has banned Elon Musk from Mar-a-Lago’s Taco Night after a megabill snub, sparking a political-tech feud involving drones, PACs, and deep…
Senate Accidentally Passes Entire Bible as Law After 67 Consecutive Votes Without Sleep
Senators accidentally passed the Bible as federal law after dozens of sleepless votes. Clerks are unsure whether to file it under Religious Statutes…
Elon Musk’s Family Tree Now Considered National Forest
Elon Musk’s sprawling family has reached federal recognition status, earning its own protected designation as a National Forest.…
Trump Negotiates Historic New Trade Deal Where America Taxes Itself Three Times Harder Than China Does. Art of the Deal, Baby.
Trump’s latest trade agreement triples tariffs on U.S. consumers while letting China off the hook, an economic strategy now known as “patriotic masochism.”…
Consumer Spending Tanks as Men Wander Home Depot Aimlessly for Three Hours, Buy Nothing
Consumer spending fell as Americans abandoned purchases in restaurants, car lots, and especially Home Depot, where vibes replaced budgets.…
