Trump Declares ‘Epstein Never Existed,’ Cites New Memo ‘Written by God, Proofread by Jesus’
Trump shocks the world, declaring Epstein imaginary and blaming 5G towers, windmills, and beer for widespread delusion.…
Fans Boo President Trump at FIFA Final, He Orders Booing Section Deported to ‘Alligator Alcatraz’
After fans booed President Trump at the FIFA Club World Cup Final, he responded by ordering them deported to a Florida swamp facility…
Man of Steel, Diet of Arby’s — Trump Demands New Superman Film Depict Him Punching Taxes and Kicking Migrants
After backlash to the new Superman film, President Trump demands a version featuring himself punching the IRS and deporting undocumented Kryptonians.…
Trump Threatens Rosie O’Donnell’s Citizenship: ‘She Is a Threat to Humanity’
President Trump says Rosie O'Donnell may lose her citizenship for “colluding with hurricanes,” suggesting a trade to Ireland in exchange for Guinness and…
Epstein Officially Blamed for Every Major Conspiracy Theory by MAGA Base
MAGA has officially blamed Jeffrey Epstein for every major American conspiracy, including ones that predate his birth.…
Trump Sets Tariff Deadline, Immediately Asks If It Can Be Postponed Until After ‘Shark Week’
Trump sets hard tariff deadline, immediately panics it overlaps with Shark Week. America’s trade war now fighting for airtime with Great Whites.…
Bondi: Epstein Suicide So Obvious, Cameras Took a Union Break
DOJ confirms Epstein died by suicide, Pam Bondi shreds documents during a Zyn-fueled cleaning spree. Cameras reportedly “needed space.”…
Senate Accidentally Submits Cheesecake Factory Menu Instead of Tax Code — No One Notices
In an epic legislative fumble, the Senate passed a tax bill that included 67 pages of Cheesecake Factory menu items. No one noticed.…
Elon Musk Finally Alienates Everyone He Ever Sold a Car To
Elon Musk launched his own political party after turning off the very liberals and conservatives who made him a car-sales god. Now, neither…
Bessent: 95% of Economists Have TDS, the Other 5% Work for Me
Scott Bessent says most economists suffer from “Tariff Derangement Syndrome,” unless they work for him. Fiscal policy now includes chart pointing and MAGA…
