Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has managed to find an unlikely scapegoat for the recent outbreak of “flesh-eating” bacteria in Tampa Bay: Disney and the so-called “Woke Mob.” In a press conference that left many scratching their heads, DeSantis passionately declared that the beloved entertainment company and a vague group of woke individuals were responsible for the tragic deaths linked to the bacteria.
“It’s quite clear that Disney’s animated movies and the woke agenda they push have directly caused this flesh-eating bacteria outbreak,” DeSantis proclaimed, as a confused audience exchanged bewildered glances. “I mean, have you seen ‘The Little Mermaid’? Ariel is basically advocating for people to jump into the water without a second thought!”
Governor DeSantis went on to explain his bizarre theory, suggesting that the bacteria might have been “woke-ified” and radicalized by liberal ideologies before launching its deadly assault on unsuspecting beachgoers. “These woke bacteria have been influenced by the left-wing media and their ideas of ‘inclusivity’ and ‘diversity’,” he ranted. “They saw all those diverse characters in Disney movies and thought, ‘Why not start our own diverse community in Tampa Bay?’ It’s all part of their plot!”
When questioned about the lack of scientific evidence supporting his claims, DeSantis dismissed the need for evidence, stating, “Who needs science when you have common sense? It’s just plain obvious that these woke bacteria were triggered by Disney princesses and social justice warriors.”
The “Woke Mob” was another target of DeSantis’ blame game. He suggested that their constant demands for change and progress had pushed the bacteria to rebel against humanity. “These woke activists are all about stirring things up and challenging the status quo,” he rambled. “It’s no wonder the bacteria got the wrong message and decided to challenge our immune systems instead.”
As the press conference came to a close, journalists scrambled to make sense of the governor’s outlandish claims. Experts in the medical field, however, were quick to dismiss his theory as baseless and absurd. Dr. Sarah Smith, a microbiologist, stated, “Bacteria are single-celled organisms that don’t have the capacity to watch movies or engage in social movements. The outbreak is likely due to natural factors and has nothing to do with Disney or woke ideologies.”
Despite the overwhelming scientific consensus, Governor DeSantis remained undeterred, insisting that he would continue to fight against the perceived threat of animated characters and woke individuals causing flesh-eating bacteria outbreaks. In the meantime, Floridians are advised to exercise caution when swimming in Tampa Bay and to take the governor’s statements with a grain of salt – preferably not from the ocean.
