WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Republican party has recently proposed to redefine the term “pro-life.” The new definition will encompass anyone who is a “fan of all living things, except plants… and mosquitoes.”
Party insiders claim that this rebranding is part of a broader effort to be more inclusive and appeal to a wider audience. They suggest that the current “pro-life” stance is too narrow, focusing solely on the unborn. “We wanted to widen the tent,” said one senior party official, wearing a T-shirt with an adorable picture of a baby octopus on it. “Why just protect unborn humans when there’s so much other cute stuff out there?”
Plants, however, do not make the cut. One Republican strategist explained, “Have you ever tried hugging a cactus? Or getting poison ivy? Yeah, plants had their chance.”
There’s also a general agreement within the party that mosquitoes are pure evil and do not deserve the protection that this new and improved pro-life stance would offer. “Have you ever been to Minnesota in the summer?” quipped another Republican insider. “We’re just being pragmatic.”
Democrats were quick to respond, with some accusing Republicans of trying to shift the conversation from more pressing issues. One Democratic senator mused, “So if I water my houseplant, does that make me pro-life now? Or am I still just pro-photosynthesis?”
Some experts believe this is just another phase in the ongoing evolution of political terms. “It wasn’t long ago that ‘liberal’ was a compliment and ‘conservative’ meant you didn’t spend money like a drunken sailor,” said Professor Ima Wordsmith of the University of Tongue-in-Cheek. “Who knows? In a few years, ‘pro-life’ might just mean you enjoy a good game of Scrabble.”
The real test will come in the next election cycle. Will voters resonate with this broader definition of “pro-life”? Or will they just be left swatting at mosquitoes and wondering why they’re suddenly getting side-eyed for munching on a salad?
Only time will tell. But for now, as the nation buzzes about this proposal, Republicans remain hopeful that they have turned over a new leaf. Except for the actual leaf. Because, well, plants.
