The secret to immortality and building wealth? Just keep running for office!
WASHINGTON – In a stunning revelation that has experts stumped, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, at the ripe age of 83, has not only announced her intention to run for her congressional seat in 2024 but has also hinted at a possible path to immortality by just never stopping. Forget the fountain of youth, the real secret might just be found on Capitol Hill.
“It’s not the years in your life, but the life in your years… and the number of times you run for office,” Pelosi declared, with a glint in her eye that might just be eternal life. “I’ve discovered that every campaign is like a new lease on life. By my calculations, if I run enough times, I might just live forever.”
Scientists across the globe are scrambling to understand this new development. Dr. Philip Timespan, a leading age researcher, commented, “We always believed the secret to longevity involved green juices and yoga. Turns out, we should have just been focusing on campaign slogans and donation drives.”
Pelosi’s bold strategy to eternal life through electioneering has also attracted the attention of the Guinness World Records. “We don’t currently have a category for ‘Most Runs for Office Leading to Possible Immortality,'” stated GWR spokesperson, Tim Stopwatch. “But we’re considering it.”
Not everyone is on board with this discovery, however. Younger Congressional hopefuls have expressed concerns. One anonymous source voiced their worries, “If everyone adopts the Pelosi Plan, Congress might just turn into a scene from ‘The Walking Dead’.”
The Speaker’s diet and exercise routine, which up until now was believed to be the secret to her lasting vitality, has been thrown into the shade by her latest announcement. “I used to think it was the ice cream and dark chocolate,” said Rep. A. Youngster, “Now, it seems it’s the thrill of the campaign and the magnetic pull of those congressional seats.”
Meanwhile, the Democratic Party is rumored to be launching a new healthcare plan inspired by Pelosi’s revelation. The proposed “CongressCare” package promises every American a spot on the ballot as a surefire way to eternal youth.
In related news, Congress has also seen a sudden influx of inquiries about office spaces, mainly from individuals over the age of 90. Whether it’s the promise of immortality or just a desire to serve their country is yet to be determined.
The rest of the nation is left to wonder: to run or not to run? If Pelosi’s track record is any indicator, campaign buttons and debate prep might just be the new kale smoothies of the next decade.
