DENVER, CO – In an unexpected twist at a Sunday performance of the iconic “Beetlejuice” musical, U.S. Rep. Lauren Boebert was ceremoniously ushered out of the theater, not for the previously reported disturbances of vaping and recording but, in fact, for committing the grave error of saying “Beetlejuice” thrice.
“I just thought it would summon him to the stage quicker,” a flustered Boebert admitted, her eyes darting around as if waiting for a mischievous ghost to appear.
While the Denver Arts & Venues had originally noted disturbances such as vaping, singing, and recording, insiders now claim the “Beetlejuice” chant was the final straw. “We have protocols for summoning the undead, and shouting in the audience isn’t one of them,” one theatergoer remarked with a sigh, flipping through a pamphlet titled, “Etiquette for Dealing with Theatrical Ghosts.”
In an official statement, Drew Sexton, Boebert’s campaign manager, addressed the event: “While Congresswoman Lauren Boebert has demonstrated a passionate commitment to the Second Amendment, we’d like to clarify she has no control over the supernatural nor did she mean any disrespect to the ghoulish communities.”
The representative’s companion, who was also escorted out, was heard murmuring, “I thought it would be like a Candyman thing. You know, say it and get a cameo appearance.”
Denver Arts & Venues released security footage showing Boebert in deep discussion with the theater staff, apparently trying to clarify if saying “Beetlejuice” a fourth time would undo her error. “You’re thinking of ‘Ctrl + Z’. That’s an undo command on computers, ma’am,” a security guard tried to explain.
Patrons in the vicinity report hearing phrases such as “do you even know how summonings work?” and “I thought this was an interactive performance!” amidst the ruckus.
Meanwhile, the ghostly community has been vocal in its response. “We have standards, you know. A simple chant from the audience doesn’t warrant an appearance,” Beetlejuice himself commented. “Also, between us, the WiFi in the afterlife is really spotty. So, instant summons are a bit of a challenge.”
The theater has since considered adding a warning before each show: “Please do not attempt to summon any spirits during the performance. This includes shouting names, chanting, or use of Ouija boards.”
