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Trump Promises $2,000 Tariff Rebate Checks to Arrive February 30th
Trump vows to send $2,000 tariff rebate checks to Americans “soon,” targeting the date of February 30th. Treasury says the timeline is “aspirational.”
IOC Protect Women’s Division, Men’s Division Still Exists Without Protests
The IOC moves to protect the women’s division for LA 2028 while debates over DSD continue. Fans ask for finals, not forums, as…
Trump Administration Says 50-Year Mortgages Will ‘Bridge the Gap Between Gen-Z and the Grave’
The White House unveiled a 50-year mortgage plan to make housing “more affordable for eternity.” Economists warn it’s debt slavery; supporters say it’s…
Trump Promises $2,000 to Every American Who ‘Stops Asking About Epstein Files’
Trump proposes $2,000 payments funded by tariffs, but asks Americans to stop asking about the Epstein files. Critics cite weak math and higher…
Horoscopes: Week of November 10, 2025
The cosmos is messy again — Neptune’s distracted, Mars is reckless, and your self-control just filed for unemployment. See what trouble your sign’s…
Trump Says Naming Stadium After Him Would “Honor Redskins Tradition of Racism”
Trump calls plans to name Washington’s new stadium after him “a tribute to the Redskins’ proud legacy.” Critics say it’s tone-deaf as benefits…
Trump’s Gold Oval Office Sign Sparks Outrage, Shines Brighter Than National Debt
The president’s gold “Oval Office” sign costs more than SNAP benefits combined, raising questions about timing, optics, and the taxable value of irony.
Abbott Threatens 100% Tariff on New Yorkers Who ‘Smell Like Bagels’
Greg Abbott declares a 100% tariff on New Yorkers who “smell like bagels,” claiming it will preserve Texas culture and reduce brunch-based migration.
Tom Brady Says He’ll Keep Cloning Himself Until One Finally Beats Eli Manning
Tom Brady says cloning is “the final phase of training” after revealing his plan to create a version of himself that can finally…
Trump Says ICE Raids Need Theme Music in 60 Minutes Interview
Trump told 60 Minutes ICE raids “haven’t gone far enough,” praising smashed windows as “efficient.” DHS staff reportedly ordered to add theme music…
Kiyosaki: ‘Millions Will Be Wiped Out,’ Adds That He’ll Be Available for Coaching After
Robert Kiyosaki warned of a “massive crash” that will wipe out millions, then immediately promoted his $997 survival course for anyone hoping to…
Study Finds Americans Spend More Time Complaining About Daylight Saving Than It Saves
A new report finds Americans lose more hours complaining about Daylight Saving than the time change ever saved, while Congress keeps promising action…
Horoscopes: Week of November 3, 2025
The planets are messy this week — Mercury’s gossiping, Venus is petty, and Uranus is on a joyride. Find out what cosmic nonsense…
RFK Jr. Tells Trick-Or-Treaters Candy Causes Autism, Hands Out Vials of His Own Blood Instead
RFK Jr. told trick-or-treaters candy causes autism and handed out vials of his own blood, calling it “ancestral immunity.” Parents described the event…
Patel Defends Using FBI Jet to Attend Wrestling, Claims He Was ‘Undercover as Boyfriend’
FBI Director Kash Patel reportedly used a government jet to attend his girlfriend’s wrestling event, calling it an “undercover operation.” Observers call it…
Trump Declares Victory After Signing Deal That Solves Problems He Created
Trump declared “total victory” in a new China deal that fixes the exact problems his trade war caused. Economists call it “a self-inflicted…
Senate Republicans Vow to End Shutdown Once Everyone Agrees It’s Not Their Fault
Senate leaders promise to reopen the government “soon,” once both parties agree which one ruined everything first.
Horoscopes: Week of October 27, 2025
The cosmos is running on fumes this week, yet somehow still found time to meddle in your personal life. Expect impulsive decisions, random…
Amazon Down After Firing Last Guy Who Knew How to Restart It
Amazon laid off 30,000 employees, including the last one who knew how to reboot the system. The internet wept, and Alexa begged for…
Government Shutdown Halts SNAP, But Trump Finds Spare Change for Argentina
With SNAP frozen and millions facing hunger, Trump finds funds for Argentina. “They’re America too, technically,” he insists, while holding a globe upside…
Man Proves Strangers Wrong Online, Forgets to Pick Up Kids from School
A man wins an internet argument and immediately loses everything that actually matters. Family says he hasn’t looked this smug since his fantasy…
UNC Falls Inches Short Again, Belichick Blames It on ‘Lack of Cheating Infrastructure’
Bill Belichick says North Carolina’s narrow overtime loss wasn’t about execution, but “a lack of Cheating infrastructure” and “weak surveillance coordination.”
Trump Jr’s Drone Empire Takes Off While Ethics Crash
Don Jr’s drone company just secured a Pentagon contract after his father’s drone-friendly executive order. Officials call it merit-based; taxpayers call it family…
White House Officially Declares Maple Syrup a Threat to U.S. Sovereignty
The White House labeled maple syrup a threat to U.S. sovereignty, accusing Canada of “weaponizing breakfast” and disrespecting America’s right to pour first.
Chauncey Billups Denies Gambling Allegations, Admits He Can’t Even Win at Uno
Chauncey Billups denies gambling allegations, claiming he can’t even win at Uno. FBI agents call it “the first believable statement of the week.”
Hamburger Helper Named Official Sponsor of “Yeah, We’re Broke Again” Season
Hamburger Helper announced its new sponsorship of “Yeah, We’re Broke Again” season, celebrating the spirit of survival through sodium and sorrow.
Marjorie Taylor Greene Proposes Bible as Official U.S. ID, Cites ‘Mark of the Right’
Marjorie Taylor Greene proposes letting Americans use a Bible as legal ID. TSA readies verse scanners, DMVs plan a Commandments quiz, and courts…
Our liberty depends on the freedom of the press, and that cannot be limited without being lost.
Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper the media. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle.
-Thomas Jefferson