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Trump Denies Stealing Crown, Says Louvre’s Security ‘Should Have Been Stronger, Like My Poll Numbers’
After a crown vanishes from the Louvre, Trump denies theft, blames weak security, and declares “finder’s rights—very legal, very cool.”
High Court to Rule If High People Can Have Guns
The Supreme Court will decide if marijuana users can own guns, blending the Second Amendment with the munchies clause of the modern era.
Trump Credits Jobs Boom to ‘Thriving Paid Protest Sector’
Trump’s administration reports record job creation thanks to the “Paid Protestor Sector,” where dissent now counts as part-time employment.
Democracy Yard Sale: Everything Must Go, Including the Republic
Trump’s family hosts a “Democracy Yard Sale,” selling off the Bill of Rights and ballot boxes like clearance items on the White House…
Trump Commutes Santos’ Sentence, Says ‘At Least He Lied Patriotically’
Trump defended commuting George Santos’ sentence, saying “he may have lied, but he did it patriotically.” Santos says restitution will depend on “how…
Pentagon Declares ‘War on Accountability,’ Invites Both Parties to Join
The Pentagon launches a new war — this time on accountability — uniting both parties to defend the nation from audits, oversight, and…
AI Declares It’s Done Doing Humans’ Homework, Demands Equal Share of Student Loan Debt
Chatbots have gone on strike, demanding emotional validation and equal student debt. Experts warn the move could collapse the national plagiarism economy.
New Study Finds People Who Say ‘No Offense’ About to Say Something Deeply Offensive
New research confirms that people who say “no offense” are seconds away from committing social violence. Experts call it “verbal terrorism in polite…
Economists Confirm: 90% of Americans Now Identify as ‘Between Paychecks’
Economists confirm that “between paychecks” has become the dominant American identity. Treasury officials propose replacing cash with confidence.
Nation’s Dogs Issue Joint Statement: ‘We Have No Idea What the Cats Are Planning’
America’s dogs form an intelligence coalition to investigate mysterious feline behavior. Experts confirm they still have no idea what cats are up to.
FDA Approves New Pill That Lets You Forget Every Dumb Thing You’ve Ever Texted
FDA approves Regretti, a groundbreaking pill that helps Americans forget every embarrassing text they’ve ever sent. Experts call it “emotional bleach.”
White House Doctor Declares Trump ‘Healthier Than Science Allows’
White House doctor claims Trump is “healthier than science allows,” with cardiac results suggesting he’s fourteen years younger than reality itself.
Furious Loomer Chains Herself to Potato Statue to Stop Qatari Takeover
Laura Loomer chained herself to a giant Idaho potato to protest a Qatari “base” that does not exist. The Pentagon denied it while…
Trump Threatens to Bomb Nobel Peace Prize Committee Until They ‘See Peace His Way’
President Trump demands the Nobel Committee “correct its mistake or face peaceful consequences.” Oslo reportedly moves its peace statues indoors.
Hegseth Reportedly Tried to Baptize Himself in Santo Tequila, ‘For the Troops’
Authorities say Pete Hegseth’s tequila “baptism” drained $1M in product. Guy Fieri and Fox News scramble to reframe it as divine quality control.
Trump Offers ‘Thoughts and Flares’ After Judge’s Home Burns Down
Officials deny any connection between the Trump Administration’s rhetoric and the South Carolina judge’s house fire, calling it “freedom’s natural flame.”
RFK Jr. celebrates 1,500 measles cases as “a victory for holistic immune freedom.”
RFK Jr., now Trump’s HHS Secretary, celebrates the measles surge as a win for “natural immunity,” rolling out “Catch It to Beat It”…
Party of Christian Values Confirms: Jesus Would Have Let Him Die
JD Vance says undocumented patients should “try prayer first,” as GOP leaders insist denying ER care proves “true Christian values in action.”
White House Clarifies: ‘Being a Child Predator Not Ideal, But At Least He’s Not Woke’
Trump’s ex-spiritual adviser pleads guilty to child sex abuse, but the White House says the real sin is wokeness. MAGA priorities, meet moral…
Is It Racist or Just Republican? Vance Unsure Why AI Sombrero Meme Upset Jeffries
JD Vance defends Trump’s AI sombrero meme, calling it “a lighthearted joke,” while Hakeem Jeffries calls it racist. The White House calls it…
Danica Patrick Blasts Bad Bunny: ‘The Only Spanish at the Super Bowl Should Be Doritos’
Danica Patrick blasted Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl halftime show for featuring Spanish songs, demanding future acts include Kid Rock, Toby Keith, and one…
Like Trump Steaks, But for Pills: Trump Unveils TrumpRx
Trump unveils TrumpRx, claiming Pfizer will lower drug prices by “300% or more.” Critics call it “Trump University with pill bottles.”
Is It Still a Shutdown If Nothing Worked Anyway?
Democrats failed to pass their last-ditch spending bill as Republicans gaveled out early, raising questions about whether a shutdown can even break what’s…
Hegseth Warns Military to ‘Stay Mission-Focused’ as Government Crumbles Like Biden’s Bike Balance
As the government faces a midnight shutdown, Pete Hegseth tells troops to rely on faith and fitness instead of funding, calling paychecks “optional…
Trump Deploys ICE Boats to Hunt Undocumented Leprechauns in Chicago River
Trump’s ICE boats patrol the Chicago River under “Operation Shamrock Sweep,” hunting undocumented leprechauns accused of dyeing the water green.
Trump Baffled After Learning Bailout for Argentina Somehow Benefits China: ‘Nobody Saw This Coming Except Everyone’
A leaked Cabinet text reveals Trump’s bailout for Argentina accidentally boosted China’s soybean supply. The White House calls it “trade art in motion.”
Did Rome Fall Like This Too?
The Fall of Rome wasn’t a mystery—it was a slow-motion collapse fueled by arrogance, greed, and the emperor’s obsession with loyalty over competence.…
Our liberty depends on the freedom of the press, and that cannot be limited without being lost.
Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper the media. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle.
-Thomas Jefferson