NEED TO KNOW
- Season 48 of *Survivor* just ended, crowning another champion of coconut manipulation and social backstabbing.
- One viewer has taken it too far, declaring himself “Head of Household” based on hours of watching people fail at fire-making.
- His wife wants to know if alliances formed in the living room count in real life. Folly responds, reluctantly.
Dear Folly,
Ever since the Survivor finale, my husband has been walking around the house with a buff on his head and referring to the garage as “Camp Unity.” He’s reorganized the pantry based on tribal immunity wins and insists we vote weekly on who does dishes.
Last night, he tried to get our toddler to “draw a rock” to decide bedtime.
He’s calling himself “Sole Survivor of This Marriage” and won’t stop saying things like “I outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted your mother’s lasagna.” He also tried to blindside the HOA by building a secret fire pit in the backyard.
Please help.
— Tired in Tribal Council
Dear Tired,
First, let me say how sorry I am that you married a man who believes eating rice once a week makes him an alpha.
Second, this is a common post-Survivor condition known as Strategic Delusion Syndrome, or SDS. It mostly affects middle-aged men who watched Survivor instead of going to therapy. Symptoms include:
- Making every decision via “tribal vote”
- Referring to your niece as a “social threat”
- Attempting to form secret alliances with the mailman
Unfortunately, there is no cure. The best you can do is outwit and outlast him. Try hiding all the sharpies so he stops writing confessional quotes on the bathroom mirror.
In extreme cases, create a fake immunity idol out of leftover banana bread and watch him lose control of his alliance with the dog.
Finally, remind him Survivor is a game. Real life requires more than fire-starting skills and vague metaphors about trust. Like cleaning the gutters. Which he still hasn’t done.
If he refuses to return to civilization, tell him Jeff Probst just released a twist where husbands who do the dishes win hidden advantages. It’s a lie, sure. But so is half of what happens in the game anyway.
Good luck. And if you get desperate, try writing your own Final Tribal speech. Start with “I did the laundry while he counted coconuts.”
