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All the Latest in World
Zelenskyy Offers to Negotiate Peace Deal Between Trump and Musk
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy offers to mediate peace talks between President Trump and Elon Musk, hoping juice boxes and playground rules can keep both in check for more than ten minutes.
Trump Gives Putin Ultimatum on Ukraine, Then Invites Him to White House for T.A.C.O. Tuesday
Donald Trump gave Vladimir Putin two weeks to take action on Ukraine, then invited him to the White House for a diplomatic lunch called “T.A.C.O. Tuesday,” claiming tacos could resolve foreign tensions.
Former Russian Escapes Authoritarian Regime, Joins HOA in Florida and Immediately Regrets It
A Russian immigrant thought he was escaping tyranny, until his Florida HOA told him his garden gnome violated height restrictions.
Trump Holds Up Congo Massacre Photo to Prove South African Genocide, World Stares Blankly
Trump accused South Africa of white genocide using a Congo war photo, proving once again that foreign policy is now just a tab in his browser.
North Korea’s New Destroyer Crushed During Launch, Kim Demands Immediate Firing of Gravity
North Korea’s newest warship launches early, immediately self-destructs, and achieves tactical embarrassment.
Robert Kiyosaki Declares Financial Armageddon for the 97th Time
Robert Kiyosaki has declared the end of the economy again, this time because the Fed bought bonds and didn’t invite him. Gold, silver, and Bitcoin are apparently our only salvation. Again.
Trump to Walmart: Eat the Tariffs, Don’t Raise Prices or Else
Trump warned Walmart not to blame his tariffs for price hikes, insisting the company should absorb the cost. “Inflation is a choice,” he added confidently.
Trump Defends $400M Jet Gift, Also Says “Your Kid Doesn’t Need That Many Dolls”
Trump says your kid doesn’t need more than two dolls as he climbs aboard a $400M luxury jet gifted from Qatar. He calls it patriotic math.
Bernie Sanders Slams Trump’s Qatari Jet, Then Asks for a Ride So He Doesn’t Have to Fly Coach
Bernie Sanders criticizes Trump’s Qatari jet as a symbol of excess, then hitches a ride to avoid the pain of flying commercial.
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