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All the Latest in World
Trump Administration to Burn Emergency Rations, Cites Risk of ‘Feeding Future Terrorists With Good American Biscuits’
Trump orders the destruction of 500 tons of emergency food. USAID is gone, replaced by a biscuit bonfire and a new food czar named Brad who once managed a Taco Bell.
Trump Threatens Rosie O’Donnell’s Citizenship: ‘She Is a Threat to Humanity’
President Trump says Rosie O'Donnell may lose her citizenship for “colluding with hurricanes,” suggesting a trade to Ireland in exchange for Guinness and a snack cake.
Trump Negotiates Historic New Trade Deal Where America Taxes Itself Three Times Harder Than China Does. Art of the Deal, Baby.
Trump’s latest trade agreement triples tariffs on U.S. consumers while letting China off the hook, an economic strategy now known as “patriotic masochism.”
Iran’s Nuclear Scientists File Restraining Order Against Donald Trump’s Ego
Trump says he’ll strike Iran again if it rebuilds its nuclear program. Iran’s scientists respond with a legal motion to keep his ego out of their airspace.
U.S. Customs Denies Entry to Tourist for Possessing Unlicensed Satire of JD Vance
A Norwegian tourist says he was deported for a meme mocking JD Vance. Homeland Security denies it, but the image is still too weird for national security comfort.
Trump Declares Ceasefire Between Israel and Iran, Blames Biden Just in Case
Trump announced a ceasefire between Israel and Iran on Truth Social, then immediately blamed Biden in case it fails. Neither country confirmed the deal exists.
MAGA Turns on Trump After Discovering B2 Pilot Had Ovaries
MAGA nation’s enthusiasm for Trump’s Iran strike vanished when they learned the B2 pilot wasn’t a man, causing mass confusion and accusations of “wokeness.”
Hormuz Closed for ‘Spiritual Renovations,’ Say Iranian Clerics
Iran has closed the Strait of Hormuz, claiming it needs a “spiritual renovation.” Clerics say too much Western oil has disrupted the waterway’s energy. Global markets brace for an oil shortage and a…
Iran’s Nuke Scientists Swap Uranium for Espresso After Trump’s Airstrikes
After Trump’s airstrikes, Iran’s nuclear scientists ditch uranium for espresso, launching Fission Brew, a chain of artisanal coffee shops so good they’re brokering world peace one latte at a time.
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