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All the Latest in U.S.
ICE Runs Out of Uniforms, Tells Recruits to ‘Just Bring a Sheet With Eyeholes’
ICE’s record-breaking recruitment effort has outpaced supply chains, leading the agency to suggest new hires “just bring a sheet” while promising more gear “eventually.”
Deferred Resignation Now Top Career Goal Among Gen Z
The government’s buyout plan created a “do-nothing” dream job — and Gen Z is here for it.
Nancy Mace Promises to Ban Books, Pronouns, and Possibly Hurricanes in Bid for Governor
Nancy Mace launches her campaign for South Carolina governor by vowing to ban pronouns, books, and possibly weather patterns
Was That the Deep State? East Coast Earthquake Sends MAGA Into Full Conspiracy Meltdown
MAGA influencers melted down after a small earthquake hit New Jersey, blaming George Soros, climate lasers, and “woke fault lines.”
Trump Administration Denies Creating All-Female Supervillain Team at Minimum-Security Prison
Trump denies any role in assembling America’s most delusional criminal dream team after Maxwell, Holmes, and Shah land in the same minimum-security prison.
Trump Accepts “Totally No-Strings” Jet Gift From Qatar, Pentagon Calls It ‘Free Trial of Influence’
Trump receives a used Boeing jet from Qatar, insists it’s “totally free” while taxpayers quietly fund $400M in upgrades and missile-powered cup holders.
Mysterious Box Left at White House Says ‘If Found, Please Return to Mossad’
Secret Service investigates a mysterious package left at the White House bearing a handwritten Mossad return address and a suspicious note signed “Love, Bibi.”
Mascot Arrested at Chuck E. Cheese, Kids Thought It Was Part of a Birthday Package Upgrade
Chuck E. Cheese’s mascot was arrested mid-party in Tallahassee for credit card fraud, giving kids an unforgettable law enforcement birthday moment.
CDC Issues ‘Stop Being Poor’ Heat Guidance as Florida Man Sues the Sun for Emotional Damages
As heatwaves ravage the U.S., the CDC rolls out bold new guidance: “Stop Being Poor.” Meanwhile, a Florida man sues the sun for “intentional emotional combustion.”
