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All the Latest in U.S.
Trump Thanks Putin for Leadership Tips on “Cleaning Up” Washington: “Your Work in Chechnya Was Inspirational”
Trump calls Putin’s methods “efficient and tasteful” after DC arrests skyrocket
Trump Orders Stealth Bomber to “Turn Off the Stealth” So Putin Can Appreciate How Cool It Looks
Alaska summit begins with bomber flyover and polite Russian nod
Texas Braces for Gulf of America vs Gulf of Mexico Showdown Over Tropical Disturbance Stormy McStormface
Lone Star State prepares for possible floods, brisket shortage, and bad storm selfies.
Trump Federalizes DC Police Days After ‘Big Balls’ Beating, Conspiracy Theorists Smell a MAGA-Staged Masterpiece
After ‘Big Balls’ was beaten in DC, Trump took control of the police in record time — some say it was all part of the show.
Experts Assure Public: Horned Rabbits Won’t Kill You, Just Judge Your Lawn Care
Colorado wildlife says horned rabbits aren’t dangerous, but they may shame your landscaping from across the street.
Trump Asks SCOTUS to Approve “Pattern Recognition” in ICE Raids, Claims It’s Like Birdwatching but With Handcuffs
Trump administration asks Supreme Court to allow ICE agents in California to arrest based on clothing, language, or location, calling it “pattern recognition.”
Trump Seizes DC Police, Tells National Guard to ‘Arrest Anyone Who Looks Like They’re Reading the Constitution’
Trump shocks DC by seizing its police force and sending the National Guard after “suspicious” book readers.
White House Unveils ‘Homeless Go Bye-Bye’ Plan, Includes Free Federal-Controlled Camps With Decorative Barbed Wire
Trump’s “Homeless Go Bye-Bye” plan moves D.C.’s homeless to federal camps “FAR” away, complete with decorative barbed wire and power-washed streets.
ICE Runs Out of Uniforms, Tells Recruits to ‘Just Bring a Sheet With Eyeholes’
ICE’s record-breaking recruitment effort has outpaced supply chains, leading the agency to suggest new hires “just bring a sheet” while promising more gear “eventually.”
