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All the Latest in U.S.
Nancy Mace Cancels Moms for Liberty Speech After Discovering Moms Had Better Things To Do
Nancy Mace expected a packed Moms for Liberty rally. Instead, she got eight chairs, a canceled speech, and the creeping suspicion that IKEA is out to get her.
Ruby Tuesday Responds to Cracker Barrel’s Rebrand: “Finally, Someone Took the Spotlight Off Our Sad Salad Bar”
Every brand has an identity crisis, but only Ruby Tuesday can say we survived ours by serving fries under a Tiffany lamp
FBI Labels Bolton ‘National Security Threat,’ Trump Labels Museum Gift Shop ‘Deep State Trap’ as America Enters Raid Season
FBI hits Bolton, Trump raids museums, and pandas may be next — America’s new season of raids begins.
Vegan Firefighter’s First Day Involves Extinguishing 40,000 Pounds of Ribeye
A truckload of ribeye steaks went up in flames on a Missouri highway, leaving behind smoke, sorrow, and one traumatized vegan firefighter.
Parents Celebrate “Most Wonderful Time of the Year” as Children Return to School and Stop Asking for Snacks Every 6 Minutes
Parents celebrate the return of silence as children head back to school and immediately run out of energy.
Trump Thanks Putin for Leadership Tips on “Cleaning Up” Washington: “Your Work in Chechnya Was Inspirational”
Trump calls Putin’s methods “efficient and tasteful” after DC arrests skyrocket
Trump Orders Stealth Bomber to “Turn Off the Stealth” So Putin Can Appreciate How Cool It Looks
Alaska summit begins with bomber flyover and polite Russian nod
Texas Braces for Gulf of America vs Gulf of Mexico Showdown Over Tropical Disturbance Stormy McStormface
Lone Star State prepares for possible floods, brisket shortage, and bad storm selfies.
Trump Federalizes DC Police Days After ‘Big Balls’ Beating, Conspiracy Theorists Smell a MAGA-Staged Masterpiece
After ‘Big Balls’ was beaten in DC, Trump took control of the police in record time — some say it was all part of the show.
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