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All the Latest in U.S.
After Hoax Shooter Post and Empty Rally, Nancy Mace Concludes Biggest Threat to South Carolina Is Herself
Nancy Mace’s campaign imploded faster than her own tweets. After boosting a hoax shooter story and speaking to more chairs than people, she announced she may be unfit to run against herself.
Trump Blames Wind Turbines for Screwworm Parasite Case: “The Bugs Get Dizzy, Fall on People”
The CDC says screwworm parasites came from Guatemala, but Trump insists they were “launched off windmills like disgusting bug frisbees.” Experts say no, but the hats are already on sale.
Big Pharma Cheers as Rangers Bust Illegal Marijuana Farm in Sequoia, Citing “Patent Protection for God’s Medicine”
Rangers in Sequoia just wiped out a hidden marijuana farm, seizing thousands of plants and a mountain of “toxic waste.” But critics say the real winner is Big Pharma, which just patented the…
Man Refreshes Social Media Feed, Awaits Orders From Charlie Kirk on What to Hate
A Wichita man refreshes social media each morning to learn which trivial product or celebrity is allegedly destroying America. Outrage now runs on a strict publishing schedule set by Charlie Kirk, Benny Johnson,…
Nancy Mace Cancels Moms for Liberty Speech After Discovering Moms Had Better Things To Do
Nancy Mace expected a packed Moms for Liberty rally. Instead, she got eight chairs, a canceled speech, and the creeping suspicion that IKEA is out to get her.
Ruby Tuesday Responds to Cracker Barrel’s Rebrand: “Finally, Someone Took the Spotlight Off Our Sad Salad Bar”
Every brand has an identity crisis, but only Ruby Tuesday can say we survived ours by serving fries under a Tiffany lamp
FBI Labels Bolton ‘National Security Threat,’ Trump Labels Museum Gift Shop ‘Deep State Trap’ as America Enters Raid Season
FBI hits Bolton, Trump raids museums, and pandas may be next — America’s new season of raids begins.
Vegan Firefighter’s First Day Involves Extinguishing 40,000 Pounds of Ribeye
A truckload of ribeye steaks went up in flames on a Missouri highway, leaving behind smoke, sorrow, and one traumatized vegan firefighter.
Parents Celebrate “Most Wonderful Time of the Year” as Children Return to School and Stop Asking for Snacks Every 6 Minutes
Parents celebrate the return of silence as children head back to school and immediately run out of energy.
