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All the Latest in U.S.
President Donald Trump with large scissors cutting a ribbon at a staged event.
Donald Trump

White House Insists Trump Not Missing, Just Busy Cutting Epstein Island Ribbon for ‘Trump Youth Jobs Program’

Trump’s disappearance wasn’t a health scare — it was a ribbon-cutting ceremony for the new “Trump Youth Jobs Program” on Epstein Island. Officials insist it’s about opportunity, not optics, though the program’s only…

3 Min Read
Smoke and flames rise from a wildfire in a forest.
Border Patrol

Border Patrol Arrests Firefighters for Being Illegal, Fire Itself Still at Large

Two firefighters were arrested for immigration violations while the 9,000-acre Bear Gulch Fire kept burning. Officials reassured the public that deportation quotas are being met, even if containment goals are not.

3 Min Read
George Soros and Alex Soros posing together in a suit and tie.
Alex Soros

Soros Family Accused of Running Protest Cartel, Allegedly Controlling 85% of American Chant Supply

Trump has demanded RICO charges against George and Alex Soros, accusing them of running a “protest cartel” that allegedly controls chants, poster board, and megaphones. Even Sharpie sales are now suspicious.

3 Min Read
Donald Trump showing a signed EO.
Cracker Barrel

Trump Pushes for U.S. to Buy 10% Stake in Cracker Barrel: “America Needs More Biscuit Futures”

Trump wants America to take a 10% stake in Cracker Barrel just like Intel. In his words, biscuits are “a matter of national security.” The plan involves rocking chairs, gravy bonds, and a…

3 Min Read
Protesters burn an American flag during a demonstration as Donald Trump reacts in inset photo
Donald Trump

Trump Declares War on Flag Burners, Accidentally Torches First Amendment Instead

Trump has declared war on flag burners, but the First Amendment may burn him back. Legal experts say this could trigger the biggest free speech showdown in decades, while everyday Americans wonder if…

3 Min Read
Nancy Mace speaking passionately into a microphone during a political event
Donald Trump

After Hoax Shooter Post and Empty Rally, Nancy Mace Concludes Biggest Threat to South Carolina Is Herself

Nancy Mace’s campaign imploded faster than her own tweets. After boosting a hoax shooter story and speaking to more chairs than people, she announced she may be unfit to run against herself.

3 Min Read
Close-up of screwworm larvae on a medical tray
CDC

Trump Blames Wind Turbines for Screwworm Parasite Case: “The Bugs Get Dizzy, Fall on People”

The CDC says screwworm parasites came from Guatemala, but Trump insists they were “launched off windmills like disgusting bug frisbees.” Experts say no, but the hats are already on sale.

4 Min Read
Ranger standing in front of illegal marijuana farm in Sequoia National Park.
Big Pharma

Big Pharma Cheers as Rangers Bust Illegal Marijuana Farm in Sequoia, Citing “Patent Protection for God’s Medicine”

Rangers in Sequoia just wiped out a hidden marijuana farm, seizing thousands of plants and a mountain of “toxic waste.” But critics say the real winner is Big Pharma, which just patented the…

3 Min Read
Charlie Kirk speaking outdoors with surprised expression.
Benny Johnson

Man Refreshes Social Media Feed, Awaits Orders From Charlie Kirk on What to Hate

A Wichita man refreshes social media each morning to learn which trivial product or celebrity is allegedly destroying America. Outrage now runs on a strict publishing schedule set by Charlie Kirk, Benny Johnson,…

3 Min Read
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The Folly Times

The Folly Times is your trusted source for news that probably shouldn’t be trusted. We specialize in absurd headlines, political mockery, and stories you didn’t know you didn’t need. Our reporters dig deep, mostly into lunch buffets, to bring you the kind of journalism that makes you laugh, think, and occasionally question humanity.

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