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All the Latest in U.S.
Majority of Americans Don’t Trust Polls, According to Poll They Don’t Trust
A new poll shows Americans reject polling itself, leaving researchers trapped in a paradox where every answer only proves the opposite point.
Trump Warns Opening Epstein Files Will “Destroy America’s Faith in Billionaires, Private Jets, and Secret Islands”
Trump is scrambling to keep the Epstein files sealed, warning that transparency would shatter America’s trust in its billionaire class. Because nothing says “national security” like shrimp cocktails and private jet flight logs.
East Coast Beaches Issue ‘Poop Alerts’ Just in Time for Labor Day Fun
Officials warn ocean now 60% water, 40% Chipotle runoff. East Coast tourists shrug off fecal contamination warnings because nothing says summer’s end like pretending sewage is sunscreen.
Dean Cain Joins ICE, Immediately Realizes He Actually Just Needs Ice for His Injury
Superman once fought Lex Luthor. Now he’s fighting joint inflammation. Dean Cain’s short-lived ICE career proves that even caped heroes aren’t immune to workplace injuries, paperwork confusion, and the devastating power of gravity.
White House Insists Trump Not Missing, Just Busy Cutting Epstein Island Ribbon for ‘Trump Youth Jobs Program’
Trump’s disappearance wasn’t a health scare — it was a ribbon-cutting ceremony for the new “Trump Youth Jobs Program” on Epstein Island. Officials insist it’s about opportunity, not optics, though the program’s only…
Border Patrol Arrests Firefighters for Being Illegal, Fire Itself Still at Large
Two firefighters were arrested for immigration violations while the 9,000-acre Bear Gulch Fire kept burning. Officials reassured the public that deportation quotas are being met, even if containment goals are not.
Soros Family Accused of Running Protest Cartel, Allegedly Controlling 85% of American Chant Supply
Trump has demanded RICO charges against George and Alex Soros, accusing them of running a “protest cartel” that allegedly controls chants, poster board, and megaphones. Even Sharpie sales are now suspicious.
Trump Pushes for U.S. to Buy 10% Stake in Cracker Barrel: “America Needs More Biscuit Futures”
Trump wants America to take a 10% stake in Cracker Barrel just like Intel. In his words, biscuits are “a matter of national security.” The plan involves rocking chairs, gravy bonds, and a…
Trump Declares War on Flag Burners, Accidentally Torches First Amendment Instead
Trump has declared war on flag burners, but the First Amendment may burn him back. Legal experts say this could trigger the biggest free speech showdown in decades, while everyday Americans wonder if…
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