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All the Latest in U.S.
White House Insists Trump Not Missing, Just Busy Cutting Epstein Island Ribbon for ‘Trump Youth Jobs Program’
Trump’s disappearance wasn’t a health scare — it was a ribbon-cutting ceremony for the new “Trump Youth Jobs Program” on Epstein Island. Officials insist it’s about opportunity, not optics, though the program’s only…
Border Patrol Arrests Firefighters for Being Illegal, Fire Itself Still at Large
Two firefighters were arrested for immigration violations while the 9,000-acre Bear Gulch Fire kept burning. Officials reassured the public that deportation quotas are being met, even if containment goals are not.
Soros Family Accused of Running Protest Cartel, Allegedly Controlling 85% of American Chant Supply
Trump has demanded RICO charges against George and Alex Soros, accusing them of running a “protest cartel” that allegedly controls chants, poster board, and megaphones. Even Sharpie sales are now suspicious.
Trump Pushes for U.S. to Buy 10% Stake in Cracker Barrel: “America Needs More Biscuit Futures”
Trump wants America to take a 10% stake in Cracker Barrel just like Intel. In his words, biscuits are “a matter of national security.” The plan involves rocking chairs, gravy bonds, and a…
Trump Declares War on Flag Burners, Accidentally Torches First Amendment Instead
Trump has declared war on flag burners, but the First Amendment may burn him back. Legal experts say this could trigger the biggest free speech showdown in decades, while everyday Americans wonder if…
After Hoax Shooter Post and Empty Rally, Nancy Mace Concludes Biggest Threat to South Carolina Is Herself
Nancy Mace’s campaign imploded faster than her own tweets. After boosting a hoax shooter story and speaking to more chairs than people, she announced she may be unfit to run against herself.
Trump Blames Wind Turbines for Screwworm Parasite Case: “The Bugs Get Dizzy, Fall on People”
The CDC says screwworm parasites came from Guatemala, but Trump insists they were “launched off windmills like disgusting bug frisbees.” Experts say no, but the hats are already on sale.
Big Pharma Cheers as Rangers Bust Illegal Marijuana Farm in Sequoia, Citing “Patent Protection for God’s Medicine”
Rangers in Sequoia just wiped out a hidden marijuana farm, seizing thousands of plants and a mountain of “toxic waste.” But critics say the real winner is Big Pharma, which just patented the…
Man Refreshes Social Media Feed, Awaits Orders From Charlie Kirk on What to Hate
A Wichita man refreshes social media each morning to learn which trivial product or celebrity is allegedly destroying America. Outrage now runs on a strict publishing schedule set by Charlie Kirk, Benny Johnson,…
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