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All the Latest in U.S.
Trump Tells Press Corps: ‘If Plane Went Down Without Me, Nobody Would Care Anyway’
Trump reminded reporters their survival only matters when it benefits him. His comments came after a day of travel mishaps that only fueled his ego.
Two Planes of White House Staff Depart for Kirk Funeral, Leaving Government Unsupervised for 48 Hours
Trump’s team is sending two planeloads of staff to Charlie Kirk’s funeral, leaving Washington oddly functional in their absence. Some call it honor, others call it group vacation.
Department of War Tells Reporters: ‘Obey, Or Lose Your Hall Pass’
Pete Hegseth claims reporters are a “safety risk” and imposes restrictions that make Pentagon coverage resemble a high school hallway pass system.
Ted Cruz Accidentally Makes Sense, Nation Unsure How to React
Ted Cruz produced one coherent thought in 2025, prompting historians to document it like a lunar eclipse mixed with a miracle.
Study Finds One Charlie Kirk = 100 Elementary School Kids in Media Value
A new study reveals what many suspected: one conservative activist equals 100 children in the American media economy. Outrage optional, coverage guaranteed.
Nation’s Unemployment Rate Soars as Employers Fire Staff for Charlie Kirk Takes
Job losses in America no longer tied to the economy, but to who dared to tweet “karma” after Charlie Kirk’s assassination. Experts call it a meme recession.
Every Social Media User Now a Forensic Analyst
Yesterday they were economists, today they’re CSI agents. Tomorrow they’ll be cardiologists. The internet never met a tragedy it couldn’t diagnose.
Trump Spotted Biting Blue Mystery Object, Nation Places Bets on Viagra vs. Altoid
The U.S. Open crowd wanted a five-set thriller, but instead got a close-up of Donald Trump gnawing on a mysterious blue object that instantly launched a thousand conspiracy theories.
Trump’s U.S. Open Appearance to Be Edited Like North Korean Broadcast: Just Cheers, No Boos
The U.S. Open told broadcasters to censor boos, chants, or protests during Trump’s appearance, turning a tennis final into something closer to state television.
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