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All the Latest in U.S.
Trump Deploys ICE Boats to Hunt Undocumented Leprechauns in Chicago River
Armed ICE boats storm the Chicago River in search of undocumented leprechauns accused of “unlawful green dyeing.” Experts call it St. Patrick’s Day panic.
Hegseth Summons Generals for Purge Preview, Asks Them to Tremble in Unison
Hegseth trades war planning for strongman theater, summoning hundreds of generals to Virginia for a mass loyalty audition.
Ryan Walters: “Turning Point USA Will Replace Guidance Counselors, Who Were Woke Anyway”
Walters promises students will no longer be burdened with “woke” counseling, instead finding life guidance in Charlie Kirk’s greatest hits and free water bottles.
Trump and Musk Reunite at Kirk Memorial, Bond Over Shared Love of Attention
The world’s two most attention-starved men rediscovered their chemistry at a funeral, proving nothing unites billionaires like cameras and grief.
Trump Tells Press Corps: ‘If Plane Went Down Without Me, Nobody Would Care Anyway’
Trump reminded reporters their survival only matters when it benefits him. His comments came after a day of travel mishaps that only fueled his ego.
Two Planes of White House Staff Depart for Kirk Funeral, Leaving Government Unsupervised for 48 Hours
Trump’s team is sending two planeloads of staff to Charlie Kirk’s funeral, leaving Washington oddly functional in their absence. Some call it honor, others call it group vacation.
Department of War Tells Reporters: ‘Obey, Or Lose Your Hall Pass’
Pete Hegseth claims reporters are a “safety risk” and imposes restrictions that make Pentagon coverage resemble a high school hallway pass system.
Ted Cruz Accidentally Makes Sense, Nation Unsure How to React
Ted Cruz produced one coherent thought in 2025, prompting historians to document it like a lunar eclipse mixed with a miracle.
Study Finds One Charlie Kirk = 100 Elementary School Kids in Media Value
A new study reveals what many suspected: one conservative activist equals 100 children in the American media economy. Outrage optional, coverage guaranteed.
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