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All the Latest in U.S.
Trump’s Gold Oval Office Sign Sparks Outrage, Shines Brighter Than National Debt
Trump unveils a new gold “Oval Office” sign as millions lose food assistance during the government shutdown, proving luxury always finds a way to shine.
Abbott Threatens 100% Tariff on New Yorkers Who ‘Smell Like Bagels’
Governor Greg Abbott vows to protect Texas from “the spread of gluten-based socialism,” promising tariffs, checkpoints, and possibly an everything-bagel ban.
Trump Says ICE Raids Need Theme Music in 60 Minutes Interview
Trump told 60 Minutes the raids “haven’t gone far enough,” defending smashed windows and tear gas as “efficient crowd management.” Officials fear he might actually mean it.
Study Finds Americans Spend More Time Complaining About Daylight Saving Than It Saves
America’s longest running time war is not with the sun. It is with our group chats, our microwaves, and a Congress that can stall a second hand with pure indecision.
Patel Defends Using FBI Jet to Attend Wrestling, Claims He Was ‘Undercover as Boyfriend’
Sources say Patel’s “undercover boyfriend mission” required immediate deployment, champagne service, and front row seats. Critics note the operation’s main beneficiary appears to be his relationship.
Senate Republicans Vow to End Shutdown Once Everyone Agrees It’s Not Their Fault
Senate leaders promise to reopen the government “soon,” once both parties agree which one ruined everything first.
Trump Jr’s Drone Empire Takes Off While Ethics Crash
A Florida drone company tied to Donald Trump Jr. just landed a major Pentagon deal, raising questions about nepotism, national security, and whether procurement now includes a loyalty oath.
Trump Commutes Santos’ Sentence, Says ‘At Least He Lied Patriotically’
After Trump’s commutation, George Santos promises to repay victims “if the law texts him about it.” Supporters hail the move as proof that justice can be optional when entertaining.
White House Doctor Declares Trump ‘Healthier Than Science Allows’
After a glowing medical review, the White House physician declared Trump’s body a “biological marvel,” leaving scientists stunned and scales terrified.
