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All the Latest in Sports
Supreme Court Rules 6–3 That Alabama Must Always Be Included in Playoff “For Historical Reasons”
Justices cite “tradition and vibes” in surprising 6–3 ruling that locks Alabama into the postseason forever.
Cunningham Out For Season With Knee Injury, Blames “Constant Need To Dodge Flying Dildos”
Cunningham says months of “dildo evasive maneuvers” may have contributed to her season-ending knee injury as fans continue launching rubber projectiles.
Caitlin Clark Credits Endless Rehab to “Finally Catching Up on Netflix Recommendations”
Caitlin Clark’s injury rehab has turned into a Netflix conquest, and she’s not apologizing for her binge-game dominance.
NFL Coaches Pretend to Learn Something From Preseason Week 1 While Secretly Just Picking Favorite Long Snappers
NFL preseason Week 1 delivered dazzling rookie moments, unearned fan parades, and the league’s most intense long snapper beauty pageant to date.
ESPN and NFL Network Announce New Streaming Tier: $89.99/Month to Watch Your Team Lose in Peace
ESPN’s new $89.99 tier lets you stream just your favorite team’s embarrassing losses, now with extra zoom on fumbles.
Trump ‘Declassified’ Golf Scorecard, Says Losers ‘Just Don’t Golf at My Level’
Trump says his golf victory was so obvious it didn’t need counting, just “loyalty.”
WNBA Launches ‘Bring Your Own Dildo’ Night to Take Back the Court
In response to a string of sex toy tosses during games, the WNBA embraces chaos with “Bring Your Own Dildo” Night.
Brickyard Fans Torn Between Racism and Horsepower, Settle for Mild Seizure
Bubba Wallace’s historic Brickyard win leaves NASCAR fans unsure whether to clap, cry, or secede again.
WNBA Players Demand to Be Paid What They’re Worth, Accidentally Slash Their Own Salaries
WNBA All-Stars demanded to be paid what they’re worth. Unfortunately, the math didn’t go their way.
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