Survey Finds Chicagoans Trust Shirtless Ben Johnson More Than Any Elected Official
Ben Johnson takes his shirt off, the Bears take the win, and Chicago prepares to take several thousand free hot dogs to the face.
Study Finds Lions Fans Age Four Years Every Holiday Broadcast
Doctors confirm watching Detroit football on Thanksgiving counts as cardio, but only in tragic doses.
Fans Blinded by the Thigh After Sophie Cunningham’s ‘Dangerously Hot’ Pic Drops
Sophie Cunningham only meant to promote a canned cocktail, but she ended up rebooting the sun. Fans begged for hydration tips while analysts tried to understand how she broke engagement charts without even…
Papa Manning Says Arch Is a Wonderful Young Man Who Should Maybe Try Baseball Instead
Texas hoped Arch Manning would revive a fading season, yet every week brings another hard reminder that famous last names cannot block defensive ends. Even so, the Manning family remains supportive while gently…
IOC Protect Women’s Division, Men’s Division Still Exists Without Protests
The IOC says it will keep the women’s category female, the men’s category fine, and the rulebook short enough to read before the 100-meter start. Science keeps meeting. Fans keep asking for scoreboards,…
Trump Says Naming Stadium After Him Would “Honor Redskins Tradition of Racism”
President Trump says naming Washington’s new stadium after him would “honor the Redskins’ proud legacy of racism and winning,” sparking new debate over what counts as heritage.
Tom Brady Says He’ll Keep Cloning Himself Until One Finally Beats Eli Manning
Tom Brady insists modern science will do what the Patriots couldn’t: erase Eli Manning from football history. Labs call his ambition “medically impressive, spiritually unwell.”
UNC Falls Inches Short Again, Belichick Blames It on ‘Lack of Cheating Infrastructure’
Belichick blames his latest goal-line loss on the Tar Heels’ “failure to implement basic intelligence gathering,” adding that “winning requires more eyes in the stands.”
Chauncey Billups Denies Gambling Allegations, Admits He Can’t Even Win at Uno
The Blazers coach insists he’s innocent, unlucky, and statistically incapable of pulling a full house without divine intervention.
