Asteroid Expected to Slam Moon, End 5,000-Year Streak of Nothing Happening Up There
Scientists say asteroid YR4 may strike the moon in 2032, finally giving it something to do besides ruining werewolf bar mitzvahs.
Biologists Classify JD Vance’s Jog as New Species of Flightless Flail
Vice President JD Vance’s strange Disneyland jog has been classified as a new species of movement, somewhere between a duckling and a haunted marionette.
New Study Says Weed Deadly — Experts Unsure If Just Really Really High or Just Paranoid
A massive medical study links marijuana use to increased heart attack and stroke risk, but critics say the researchers may just be very, very paranoid. Again.
After Trump Budget, NASA Scientists Forced to Model Climate Change on Etch A Sketch
NASA’s legendary climate lab, GISS, is being “streamlined” into a virtual institute as part of Trump’s new budget, leaving top scientists out in the cold and the planet out of luck. Morale is…
Earth’s Core Is Leaking Gold and Scientists Still Won’t Tell Us Where to Dig
Scientists discovered gold leaking from Earth’s core, but before you start digging, know it’ll take a billion years. Investors and billionaires remain undeterred.
SpaceX Starship Spun So Hard It Tried to Orbit Itself
SpaceX’s Starship attempted its ninth test flight and ended it with a spectacular and uncontrolled spin before breaking up over the Indian Ocean.
Scientists Confirm the Earth Is Round, Americans Demand Second Opinion
cientists confirm the Earth is still round. America demands an audit, a drone shot, and someone named Kyle to double-check.
Elon Musk Offers to Father the Future: Win a Chance to Be Impregnated by the Billionaire—In Space
Because when it comes to saving humanity, Musk says it's time to shoot for the stars... literally.
Retailers Now Selling SPF 1000 as Summer Heat Reaches Absurd Levels
HELL ON EARTH, USA— In a season that feels hotter than a jalapeño in a sauna, the relentless heat has everyone scrambling for shade, air conditioning, and industrial-strength sunblock. As temperatures soar to record…
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