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All the Latest in Politics
White House Rose Garden Revamp Replaces Grass with Ballroom Planned for ‘Jeff’s Friends Only’
The White House Rose Garden has been replaced with marble, chandeliers, and a ballroom reportedly for “Jeff’s friends only.” Critics say it’s tacky. Trump says it’s classy.
White House Portrait Hall Now Just Trump Photo in Mirror
Trump replaced the White House portrait hall with a mirror and moved past presidents near a mop bucket.
ICE Runs Out of Uniforms, Tells Recruits to ‘Just Bring a Sheet With Eyeholes’
ICE’s record-breaking recruitment effort has outpaced supply chains, leading the agency to suggest new hires “just bring a sheet” while promising more gear “eventually.”
Trump Says He’ll ‘Probably’ Not Run Again, Opts to Rule as Supreme Leader Instead
Trump says he “probably” won’t run again, not because of term limits — but because he’s chosen to rule forever.
Nancy Mace Promises to Ban Books, Pronouns, and Possibly Hurricanes in Bid for Governor
Nancy Mace launches her campaign for South Carolina governor by vowing to ban pronouns, books, and possibly weather patterns
Ted Cruz Admits Biden Never Spoke to Him, Nation Briefly Respects Biden
Ted Cruz says Biden never spoke to him in four years. Americans briefly appreciate Biden’s self-control.
Karoline Leavitt Denies Rumors of Trump Crush, Says Lips Only Fire Rounds at NPR and ‘Other Enemies of the People’
Trump says he loves her lips, she says they only shoot at NPR. America is confused but intrigued.
Lauren Boebert Named Head of Bureau of Labor Stats, Immediately Asks if ‘Payroll’ Is a Dog Breed
After firing the BLS commissioner, Trump taps Lauren Boebert to lead job reporting. Her first promise? “Fix the numbers so they’re more freedom-y.”
Jerome Powell Reportedly Hiding in Utility Closet as Trump Circles Fed With Steak Knife
Fed Chair Jerome Powell reportedly hiding in closet as Trump storms the building demanding rate cuts “or else.”
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