Congress Declares Epstein Files ‘Too Real,’ Switches to Investigating UFOs and Taylor Swift Instead
Ghislaine Maxwell offers to testify on Epstein’s clients, but GOP leaders table the issue to chase easier headlines and alien sightings.…
176 Days into Trump’s Second Term and Still Blames Biden for His Inability to Find Obama’s Birth Certificate
Trump blames Biden for not locating Obama’s birth certificate, citing deep state filing cabinets and suspicious lasagna boxes.…
Trump Declares ‘Epstein Never Existed,’ Cites New Memo ‘Written by God, Proofread by Jesus’
Trump shocks the world, declaring Epstein imaginary and blaming 5G towers, windmills, and beer for widespread delusion.…
Man of Steel, Diet of Arby’s — Trump Demands New Superman Film Depict Him Punching Taxes and Kicking Migrants
After backlash to the new Superman film, President Trump demands a version featuring himself punching the IRS and deporting undocumented Kryptonians.…
Epstein Officially Blamed for Every Major Conspiracy Theory by MAGA Base
MAGA has officially blamed Jeffrey Epstein for every major American conspiracy, including ones that predate his birth.…
Trump Sets Tariff Deadline, Immediately Asks If It Can Be Postponed Until After ‘Shark Week’
Trump sets hard tariff deadline, immediately panics it overlaps with Shark Week. America’s trade war now fighting for airtime with Great Whites.…
Senate Accidentally Submits Cheesecake Factory Menu Instead of Tax Code — No One Notices
In an epic legislative fumble, the Senate passed a tax bill that included 67 pages of Cheesecake Factory menu items. No one noticed.…
Pam Bondi Accidentally Shreds Epstein Files After Mistaking Them for Clutter That ‘Didn’t Spark Joy’
Attorney General Pam Bondi accidentally destroys the first wave of Epstein files after mistaking them for clutter during a late-night Marie Kondo–style cleaning…
Elon Musk Finally Alienates Everyone He Ever Sold a Car To
Elon Musk launched his own political party after turning off the very liberals and conservatives who made him a car-sales god. Now, neither…
Bessent: 95% of Economists Have TDS, the Other 5% Work for Me
Scott Bessent says most economists suffer from “Tariff Derangement Syndrome,” unless they work for him. Fiscal policy now includes chart pointing and MAGA…
