As the government faces a midnight shutdown, Pete Hegseth tells troops to rely on faith and fitness instead of funding, calling paychecks “optional patriotism.”
After a leaked text showed his Cabinet questioning the plan, Trump insisted the move was “genius economics.” Experts called it “feeding your rival dessert first.”
After years of being ignored by the Nobel Committee, President Trump announces his own “Peace Awards,” promising bigger trophies, better winners, and way more gold leaf.
Trump hails “historic transparency” on a 90-year-old mystery while steering clear of the island where all the questions actually are.
Republicans shocked to learn that “stolen valor” accusations require at least some valor to exist. Nancy Mace says Cory Mills’ war stories read like bad fan fiction.
Trump praised Pam Bondi as “careful” before urging her to toss caution aside and start indicting his rivals at high speed. Evidence optional, applause required.
When FBI agents caught Trump’s border czar on tape taking $50,000, the DOJ quickly clarified that cash bribes are no longer crimes — just patriotic down payments.
Trump’s team is sending two planeloads of staff to Charlie Kirk’s funeral, leaving Washington oddly functional in their absence. Some call it honor, others call it group vacation.
Trump’s FCC unveils a Department of Homeland Laughs, suspends Kimmel, and promises America only safe, patriotic punchlines from now on.
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