Trump has declared maple syrup a threat to America’s freedom, citing “Canadian aggression in breakfast affairs” and pledging to rebrand it as “American Syrup.”
After being ranked below George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, Trump declares war on historians, history books, and possibly the concept of time itself.
Trump celebrates White House demolition sounds while officials scramble to explain why the East Wing is missing a wall and why someone left behind a binder of suspiciously labeled secrets.
The White House credits historic job growth to “Freedom-Based Event Participation,” citing 1.2 million new roles in chanting, marching, and light screaming.
After decades of bureaucratic gridlock, the Pentagon finally found common ground with Congress: fighting transparency itself. Critics call it “the most successful bipartisan mission in modern history.”
After a glowing medical review, the White House physician declared Trump’s body a “biological marvel,” leaving scientists stunned and scales terrified.
Republicans say Jesus healed the sick for free, but that was before government waste. Now, the faithful must choose between mercy and the MAGA plan.
Vance calls Trump’s AI sombrero meme “just a joke” as Jeffries demands respect, proving once again that America’s political discourse now runs entirely on memes and mariachi.
As midnight looms, Congress debates whether to save the government or just finally unplug it. Democrats proposed funding; Republicans proposed silence.
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