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All the Latest in Politics
White House Officially Declares Maple Syrup a Threat to U.S. Sovereignty
Trump has declared maple syrup a threat to America’s freedom, citing “Canadian aggression in breakfast affairs” and pledging to rebrand it as “American Syrup.”
Trump Calls Historians ‘Deep State Librarians’ After Losing Top Two Presidential Spots
After being ranked below George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, Trump declares war on historians, history books, and possibly the concept of time itself.
Trump Praises Ballroom Demolition Noise as ❛Sound of Justice Being Buried❜
Trump celebrates White House demolition sounds while officials scramble to explain why the East Wing is missing a wall and why someone left behind a binder of suspiciously labeled secrets.
Trump Credits Jobs Boom to ‘Thriving Paid Protest Sector’
The White House credits historic job growth to “Freedom-Based Event Participation,” citing 1.2 million new roles in chanting, marching, and light screaming.
Pentagon Declares ‘War on Accountability,’ Invites Both Parties to Join
After decades of bureaucratic gridlock, the Pentagon finally found common ground with Congress: fighting transparency itself. Critics call it “the most successful bipartisan mission in modern history.”
White House Doctor Declares Trump ‘Healthier Than Science Allows’
After a glowing medical review, the White House physician declared Trump’s body a “biological marvel,” leaving scientists stunned and scales terrified.
Party of Christian Values Confirms: Jesus Would Have Let Him Die
Republicans say Jesus healed the sick for free, but that was before government waste. Now, the faithful must choose between mercy and the MAGA plan.
Is It Racist or Just Republican? Vance Unsure Why AI Sombrero Meme Upset Jeffries
Vance calls Trump’s AI sombrero meme “just a joke” as Jeffries demands respect, proving once again that America’s political discourse now runs entirely on memes and mariachi.
Is It Still a Shutdown If Nothing Worked Anyway?
As midnight looms, Congress debates whether to save the government or just finally unplug it. Democrats proposed funding; Republicans proposed silence.
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