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All the Latest in Health
Trump Diagnosed with Patriotic Obstruction Syndrome (POS) After Doctors Discover Too Much Freedom Trapped in His Legs
President Trump’s legs have swelled from an apparent overdose of “American pride,” prompting medics to diagnose the phenomenon as Patriotic Obstruction Syndrome.
New CDC Guidelines Recommend Childhood Exposure to Hose Water, Rusty Tools, and Low-Grade Fear
The CDC now recommends letting kids drink hose water, play with rusty tools, and experience minor chaos for optimal development.
New Study Finds Vaping Is Basically Just Inhaling a Penny Melted Over a Yankee Candle
A UC Davis study found lead levels in some disposable vapes equivalent to 19 packs of cigarettes. Experts say it’s like inhaling a melted penny wrapped in a fruit roll-up.
New Study Says Weed Deadly — Experts Unsure If Just Really Really High or Just Paranoid
A massive medical study links marijuana use to increased heart attack and stroke risk, but critics say the researchers may just be very, very paranoid. Again.
Kristi Noem Hospitalized After Allergic Reaction to Tactical Cosplay Used in Homeland Security Photo Ops
Kristi Noem was rushed to the hospital after suffering an allergic reaction to her tactical costume. Doctors say the symptoms were brought on by overexposure to synthetic patriotism and performance polyester.
You Wanted Cheaper Eggs, America, Now Enjoy Your Side of Salmonella
Eggs are cheaper than ever, thanks to Trump’s “Eggonomics Miracle.” The only catch? Dozens of Americans are now getting an extra helping of salmonella with their scrambled eggs.
National Donut Day Unites America for 12 Minutes Before RFK Jr. Demands Donuts Be Labeled as “Experimental Pastries”
National Donut Day delivers joy, chaos, and at least one official warning from Secretary of Health and Human Services RFK Jr., who suggests donuts be classified as “experimental pastries” until more studies are…
Doctor Diagnoses Patient With Chronic ‘Just Getting Old, Sorry’
Doctors everywhere are diagnosing “just getting old.” The only cure? A sense of humor and maybe some ibuprofen.
FDA Approves New Therapy That Just Plays Journey’s ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ On Repeat
The FDA has approved a revolutionary new therapy: endless looping of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’,” with surprising effects on public optimism and sanity.
