Kristi Noem Hospitalized After Allergic Reaction to Tactical Cosplay Used in Homeland Security Photo Ops
Kristi Noem was rushed to the hospital after suffering an allergic reaction to her tactical costume. Doctors say the symptoms were brought on by overexposure to synthetic patriotism and performance polyester.
You Wanted Cheaper Eggs, America, Now Enjoy Your Side of Salmonella
Eggs are cheaper than ever, thanks to Trump’s “Eggonomics Miracle.” The only catch? Dozens of Americans are now getting an extra helping of salmonella with their scrambled eggs.
National Donut Day Unites America for 12 Minutes Before RFK Jr. Demands Donuts Be Labeled as “Experimental Pastries”
National Donut Day delivers joy, chaos, and at least one official warning from Secretary of Health and Human Services RFK Jr., who suggests donuts be classified as “experimental pastries” until more studies are…
Doctor Diagnoses Patient With Chronic ‘Just Getting Old, Sorry’
Doctors everywhere are diagnosing “just getting old.” The only cure? A sense of humor and maybe some ibuprofen.
FDA Approves New Therapy That Just Plays Journey’s ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ On Repeat
The FDA has approved a revolutionary new therapy: endless looping of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’,” with surprising effects on public optimism and sanity.
Speaker Mike Johnson Says Losing Medicaid Is a ‘Choice,’ Millions Choose Not to Celebrate
House Speaker Mike Johnson says losing Medicaid is a choice, but millions disagree as new work rules threaten coverage.
New Study Finds Men Would Rather Die Than Eat Kale
New study finds most men still believe kale is a liberal plot and water is optional.
Feds Cuts Pediatric Cancer Research to Fund $5 Million Ashli Babbitt Settlement
Moody’s didn’t downgrade America for this, but maybe they should’ve. The DOJ just paid $5 million to a rioter’s family and took it from kids fighting cancer. Fiscal policy or fever dream? You…
Fitness Influencer Reveals Secret to Shredded Abs: No Job, No Kids, No Responsibilities
Kendall Jaye’s “realistic” fitness routine includes sunrise rituals, chia water, and the superhuman power of not having a single obligation.
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