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All the Latest in Health
RFK Jr. Tells Trick-Or-Treaters Candy Causes Autism, Hands Out Vials of His Own Blood Instead
The HHS secretary claims candy causes autism, sugar blocks enlightenment, and a quick vial of his blood is “the ultimate immune booster.” Kids preferred Milky Way.
FDA Approves New Pill That Lets You Forget Every Dumb Thing You’ve Ever Texted
Big Pharma calls it “therapeutic erasure.” Users call it “finally, peace.” FDA approves Regretti, the first pill to erase every humiliating message from your past.
RFK Jr. celebrates 1,500 measles cases as “a victory for holistic immune freedom.”
As measles cases climb past 1,500, HHS Secretary RFK Jr. unveils “Catch It to Beat It,” a patriotic push to replace vaccines with faith, fever, and fresh air.
Like Trump Steaks, But for Pills: Trump Unveils TrumpRx
Trump introduces TrumpRx, the first prescription plan that promises “300% savings” and includes a free hat if you buy six bottles of antacids.
5 Signs Your Mother Took Tylenol While Pregnant, According to Dr. Trump
President Trump, joined by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., warns Americans that prenatal Tylenol use could cause reading, feelings, and feminism. Doctors urge the public to stop listening to him.
White House Says Autism ‘Solved’ After Trump Suggests Horses Rarely Get It
Trump blames Tylenol for autism, praises horse dewormer as miracle cure, and claims horses prove his point because “they don’t get it.”
Death Still Number One Way to Avoid COVID, but Common Cold Comes in a Respectable Second, Researchers Say
Scientists discover your runny nose is more useful than two years of hoarded Lysol wipes. Still, experts note death remains a more permanent solution.
Joe Rogan Endorses New Fitness Plan: Screaming Until You’re Shredded
Joe Rogan has launched the loudest fitness plan in history: yelling your way to peak performance. Supporters say it’s primal. Critics say it’s noise pollution. Rogan says it’s science.
MAHA — RFK Jr.’s Wellness Gummies Test Positive for Pure Snake Oil
RFK Jr.’s MAHA campaign hit a health hurdle after wellness gummies turned out to be 100% snake oil. Despite the recall, supporters still claim they can “heal DNA and make your aura glow.”
