Man Hospitalized After ChatGPT Mistakes ‘Salt Substitute’ for ‘Industrial Pool Cleaner’
A man’s quest for a healthier diet took a turn for the toxic after ChatGPT suggested swapping table salt for a pool cleaner ingredient.
Doctor Admits 90% of Celebrity Lyme Cases Just Coincide With Tabloid Emergencies
After Justin Timberlake revealed his Lyme diagnosis, one doctor confessed that most celebrity cases are just “tabloid smoke bombs with flu symptoms.”
Trump Aces Presidential Fitness Test, Declares Himself ‘Most Jacked Commander-in-Chief in History’
Trump says he “aced” the revived Presidential Fitness Test. Officials say it involved shouting, stretching incorrectly, and threatening a pull-up bar.
Trump’s Health Tracker App Sends Alerts if You’ve Eaten a Salad, Watched PBS or Doubted Jesus
Trump and RFK Jr. launch a new health app that monitors Americans for signs of kale, PBS, and Jesus doubt.
Congress To Quietly Ban Hemp After Realizing It Helps People Feel Better Without Lobbyists
Congress moves to ban hemp products after discovering they relieve stress without major lobbying.
Trump Diagnosed with Patriotic Obstruction Syndrome (POS) After Doctors Discover Too Much Freedom Trapped in His Legs
President Trump’s legs have swelled from an apparent overdose of “American pride,” prompting medics to diagnose the phenomenon as Patriotic Obstruction Syndrome.
New CDC Guidelines Recommend Childhood Exposure to Hose Water, Rusty Tools, and Low-Grade Fear
The CDC now recommends letting kids drink hose water, play with rusty tools, and experience minor chaos for optimal development.
New Study Finds Vaping Is Basically Just Inhaling a Penny Melted Over a Yankee Candle
A UC Davis study found lead levels in some disposable vapes equivalent to 19 packs of cigarettes. Experts say it’s like inhaling a melted penny wrapped in a fruit roll-up.
New Study Says Weed Deadly — Experts Unsure If Just Really Really High or Just Paranoid
A massive medical study links marijuana use to increased heart attack and stroke risk, but critics say the researchers may just be very, very paranoid. Again.
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