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All the Latest in Finance
Trump Launches “TruthTrade” App to Let Patriots Profit Off His Tariff Announcements
Trump unveils “TruthTrade,” a MAGA-exclusive investing app that syncs with his social media posts and features Marjorie Taylor Greene giving stock tips from a throne
Trump Launches ‘Baby Billionaire’ Starter Kit: Every American Newborn Gets $1,000
President Trump rolled out “Trump Savings Accounts” that give $1,000 to every newborn. Critics say it’s the ultimate long play—babies get an account, parents get a headache, Wall Street gets the rest.
Elon Musk Tweets Outrage After Sobering Up and Finally Reading Congressional Bill
Elon Musk fired off an angry tweet after finally reading Congress’s latest spending bill, calling it a “disgusting abomination” that will explode the deficit and crush taxpayers for years.
US National Debt Outperforms Dow Jones and S&P 500
The US national debt has surpassed both the Dow Jones and the S&P 500 for consistent returns, leaving investors jealous and Congress eager to keep the winning streak alive.
The Penny Faces Retirement, Will Spend Golden Years Under Car Seats and in That One Drawer Everyone Has
As the U.S. stops making pennies, 114 billion of them prepare for retirement in junk drawers and the dark corners of society.
Treasury Secretary Announces Support for Digital Assets Right After Monetizing Trump’s Meme Coin
Treasury Secretary says Trump is “going big” on digital assets, right after Trump threw a gala for people who bought his meme coin. Regulatory clarity now comes with a side of garlic mashed…
Kid Declares Bankruptcy After Spree at Gum ball Machine, Demands Federal Bailout in Quarters
Kid burns through savings on gum balls, files bankruptcy in crayon, now seeking bailout in coins and cuddles.
Robert Kiyosaki Declares Financial Armageddon for the 97th Time
Robert Kiyosaki has declared the end of the economy again, this time because the Fed bought bonds and didn’t invite him. Gold, silver, and Bitcoin are apparently our only salvation. Again.
Dave Ramsey Regrets Nothing About Calling Bitcoin Buyers “Stupid” in 2014, Still Thinks Being Rich Is Morally Suspicious
Dave Ramsey called Bitcoin buyers “stupid” in 2014. Bitcoin surged. He says that doesn’t change the math or his devotion to envelopes and not drinking coffee.
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