D-List Actor Who Played Superman 30 Years Ago Now Arresting Real People for “Fun”
Former Superman D-List actor Dean Cain has joined ICE to help deport migrants, sparking confusion, concern, and absolutely zero Emmy buzz.
Doctor Admits 90% of Celebrity Lyme Cases Just Coincide With Tabloid Emergencies
After Justin Timberlake revealed his Lyme diagnosis, one doctor confessed that most celebrity cases are just “tabloid smoke bombs with flu symptoms.”
New Romance Sparks Concern Among Friends as Jennifer Aniston Allegedly Believes She’s a Golden Retriever
Jennifer Aniston’s new romance takes an unexpected turn as she reportedly believes she’s a Golden Retriever thanks to her hypnotist boyfriend. Friends are deeply confused but cautiously supportive.
Hawk Tuah Girl to Teach Sex Ed Curriculum in Tennessee Schools
TIME Top 100 creator Haliey Welch to launch a state-backed sex ed program in Tennessee, complete with viral slang and questionable hygiene metaphors.
‘Dukes of Hazzard’ Star Cletus Hogg Dies
The late Richard Hurst, a.k.a. Deputy Cletus Hogg, received the loudest funeral in Tennessee history as fans staged doughnuts and MAGA chants outside Cooter’s Place.
Jeff Bezos’ Venice Wedding Delivers Free Shipping on Ego, Two-Day Return for Dignity
Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sánchez’s wedding in Venice featured star guests, dramatic venue shifts, and a protest flotilla. It also proved one thing: romance is more impressive when launched with next-day shipping.
Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom End Engagement After Realizing “Firework” Was Just a Sparkler
After nearly 10 years together, Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom have reportedly ended their relationship. Sources say the decision was mutual, but the drama remains deeply entertaining.
Brian Wilson Dies After LA Riot Chaos Shatters Final Thread of Inner Harmony
Brian Wilson, Beach Boys co-founder, dies after the chaos of LA’s recent riots overwhelms his fragile harmonic equilibrium
Wicked Sequel Promises More High Notes & Slippers
The new Wicked sequel trailer just dropped. Oz is louder, Dorothy’s confused, and even the flying monkeys need a break. Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo return for more magic, more noise, and a…
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