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All the Latest in Business
Intel Surges After Trump Says Government Will “Draft It in the First Round”
Trump treats the stock market like the NFL Draft, and Intel just went first overall.
Powell Yells “Just Close the F*cking Door” as GOP Refers Him for Crimes He Didn’t Commit Fast Enough
After a criminal referral over luxury renovations, Fed Chair Jerome Powell asks the real question: Why is this damn door always open?
Trump Sues Coca-Cola for Not Switching to Cane Sugar After Imaginary Conversation
President Trump files a lawsuit against Coca-Cola, claiming they broke a verbal agreement to replace corn syrup with cane sugar — a deal made entirely in his head.
Coca-Cola to Release ‘Founders Formula’ After Trump Suggests Original Recipe Was “Peak Capitalism”
After a Trump Truth Social post praising the 1886 Coca-Cola recipe, the soda giant announces Founders Formula: vintage glass, real sugar, and “definitely not cocaine.”
Trump Sets Tariff Deadline, Immediately Asks If It Can Be Postponed Until After ‘Shark Week’
Trump sets hard tariff deadline, immediately panics it overlaps with Shark Week. America’s trade war now fighting for airtime with Great Whites.
Trump Negotiates Historic New Trade Deal Where America Taxes Itself Three Times Harder Than China Does. Art of the Deal, Baby.
Trump’s latest trade agreement triples tariffs on U.S. consumers while letting China off the hook, an economic strategy now known as “patriotic masochism.”
WNBA Enforcer Cunningham Launches Bodyguard Side Hustle
Indiana Fever’s Sophie Cunningham leverages her role as the WNBA’s toughest defender into a thriving bodyguard enterprise, becoming the must-have security detail for nervous celebrities everywhere.
Iran’s Nuke Scientists Swap Uranium for Espresso After Trump’s Airstrikes
After Trump’s airstrikes, Iran’s nuclear scientists ditch uranium for espresso, launching Fission Brew, a chain of artisanal coffee shops so good they’re brokering world peace one latte at a time.
Man Becomes Millionaire Selling American Flags to Protesters Who Immediately Burn Them
Fakhir Al-Nashif turned protest demand into flaming profit by selling high-quality American flags—exclusively to those eager to burn them.
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