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All the Latest in Business
Amazon Down After Firing Last Guy Who Knew How to Restart It
After laying off 30,000 workers, Amazon’s site crashed because the last human who could fix it no longer worked there. Executives say AI “needs a minute.”
Hamburger Helper Named Official Sponsor of “Yeah, We’re Broke Again” Season
Hamburger Helper embraces America’s annual financial slump, offering a one-pan symbol of perseverance and mild seasoning.
Ben Eats Entire Warehouse of Chunky Monkey to Cope With Breakup From Jerry
After Jerry’s dramatic exit, Ben Cohen turns heartbreak into a 400,000-gallon ice cream binge. Vermont runs out of bananas, and fans run out of patience.
Global Shoppers Punish U.S. Over Trump Tariffs, Finally Try Jeans That Fit
Levi’s, Coke, and McDonald’s are watching foreign customers abandon them in droves. Trump calls it winning, but the rest of the world calls it “finally upgrading.”
Trump Axes Airline Compensation Rule — Passengers Now Paid in Thoughts and Prayers
Stranded fliers hoping for compensation can now count on prayer instead. The administration says spiritual growth is more valuable than sandwiches, though both remain overpriced.
Disney Quietly Hires Furries, Says They’re the Only Ones Who Actually Enjoy Sweating Inside a Giant Mouse Suit
Disney leans into chaos, turning theme parks into a cross between Comic-Con and a litter box.
Trump Pushes for U.S. to Buy 10% Stake in Cracker Barrel: “America Needs More Biscuit Futures”
Trump wants America to take a 10% stake in Cracker Barrel just like Intel. In his words, biscuits are “a matter of national security.” The plan involves rocking chairs, gravy bonds, and a…
Trump: ‘Intel Gave Me 10%. Now I Want the Other 90% of Their Secrets’
Trump claimed victory after America purchased 10% of Intel. Then he demanded the remaining 90%, mistaking semiconductors for secret dossiers.
MAGA Furious as Cracker Barrel Erases Old Guy from Logo, Say ‘They Came for Aunt Jemima, Now They’ve Come for Pawpaw’
Cracker Barrel’s new text-only logo has sparked outrage from conservatives who say nostalgia is under attack.
