Welcome to the part of The Folly Times designed for readers who don’t trust anything that moves or loads slowly. No images, no autoplay, no distractions — just bold headlines, unfiltered outrage, and enough white space to remind you of fax paper.
It’s like the internet before you let your nephew fix your Wi-Fi.
You’re safe here. Probably…
Caitlin Clark’s injury rehab has turned into a Netflix conquest, and she’s not apologizing for her binge-game dominance.…
Trump’s federal takeover of DC’s police force has Congress celebrating, saying their escorts can now arrive without running into “real criminals” — though some note the biggest crooks still sit in the chambers.…
Trump administration asks Supreme Court to allow ICE agents in California to arrest based on clothing, language, or location, calling it “pattern recognition.”…
Trump shocks DC by seizing its police force and sending the National Guard after “suspicious” book readers.…
Local man spends $248 to make a $14 pasta dish at home, proving once again that cooking can be the most expensive way to eat.…
After 30 years, AOL is ending dial-up internet. About 160,000 Americans will now have to log on without a busy signal.…
Trump’s “Homeless Go Bye-Bye” plan moves D.C.’s homeless to federal camps “FAR” away, complete with decorative barbed wire and power-washed streets.…
NFL preseason Week 1 delivered dazzling rookie moments, unearned fan parades, and the league’s most intense long snapper beauty pageant to date.…
The White House Rose Garden has been replaced with marble, chandeliers, and a ballroom reportedly for “Jeff’s friends only.” Critics say it’s tacky. Trump says it’s classy.…
Trump replaced the White House portrait hall with a mirror and moved past presidents near a mop bucket.…
Former Superman D-List actor Dean Cain has joined ICE to help deport migrants, sparking confusion, concern, and absolutely zero Emmy buzz.…
ICE’s record-breaking recruitment effort has outpaced supply chains, leading the agency to suggest new hires “just bring a sheet” while promising more gear “eventually.”…
ESPN’s new $89.99 tier lets you stream just your favorite team’s embarrassing losses, now with extra zoom on fumbles.…
Trump says he “probably” won’t run again, not because of term limits — but because he’s chosen to rule forever.…
The government’s buyout plan created a “do-nothing” dream job — and Gen Z is here for it.…
Nancy Mace launches her campaign for South Carolina governor by vowing to ban pronouns, books, and possibly weather patterns…
Trump says his golf victory was so obvious it didn’t need counting, just “loyalty.”…
Ted Cruz says Biden never spoke to him in four years. Americans briefly appreciate Biden’s self-control.…
In response to a string of sex toy tosses during games, the WNBA embraces chaos with “Bring Your Own Dildo” Night.…
Trump says he loves her lips, she says they only shoot at NPR. America is confused but intrigued.…
MAGA influencers melted down after a small earthquake hit New Jersey, blaming George Soros, climate lasers, and “woke fault lines.”…
Trump denies any role in assembling America’s most delusional criminal dream team after Maxwell, Holmes, and Shah land in the same minimum-security prison.…
After firing the BLS commissioner, Trump taps Lauren Boebert to lead job reporting. Her first promise? “Fix the numbers so they’re more freedom-y.”…
Microsoft researchers listed the top jobs most exposed to AI—accidentally ranking their own job #1 in what may be the boldest LinkedIn endorsement for unemployment ever.…
After Justin Timberlake revealed his Lyme diagnosis, one doctor confessed that most celebrity cases are just “tabloid smoke bombs with flu symptoms.”…
Trump says he “aced” the revived Presidential Fitness Test. Officials say it involved shouting, stretching incorrectly, and threatening a pull-up bar.…
Gas station chaos erupts after teens discover that some Celsius cans are actually spiked with vodka. FDA says it’s a recall. TikTok says it’s a moment.…
Trump and RFK Jr. launch a new health app that monitors Americans for signs of kale, PBS, and Jesus doubt.…
Scientists say asteroid YR4 may strike the moon in 2032, finally giving it something to do besides ruining werewolf bar mitzvahs.…
Fed Chair Jerome Powell reportedly hiding in closet as Trump storms the building demanding rate cuts “or else.”…
Senator Josh Hawley’s proposed $600 tariff rebate checks spark confusion, joy, and a new economy based entirely on Trump-themed bullion.…
A MAGA husband is under fire after insisting his wife could fit into Sydney Sweeney’s American Eagle jeans. The incident ended in tears, paramedics, and a denim boycott.…
A Texas woman claims she found heaven at Buc-ee’s, triggering a church attendance collapse and a crisis of faith over beef jerky and clean restrooms.…
Trump receives a used Boeing jet from Qatar, insists it’s “totally free” while taxpayers quietly fund $400M in upgrades and missile-powered cup holders.…
Trump claims victory over the Deep State and replaces it with something murkier, crawlier, and slightly damper — the Deeper State.…
Bubba Wallace’s historic Brickyard win leaves NASCAR fans unsure whether to clap, cry, or secede again.…
Secret Service investigates a mysterious package left at the White House bearing a handwritten Mossad return address and a suspicious note signed “Love, Bibi.”…
Trump blames wind turbines for causing tornadoes, migraines, and “atmospheric disrespect,” promises to return to energy sources that don’t “spin or swirl.”…
Ghislaine Maxwell was confused when Deputy AG Todd Blanche asked her to start his car mid-interview. DOJ officials say it was part of a “trust exercise.” She says it felt more like a scene from Goodfellas.…