The Folly Times
Absurd headlines, political mockery, and the not news you didn’t know you needed.
Notification
Search
Have an existing account?
Sign In
Trump Denies Stealing Crown, Says Louvre’s Security ‘Should Have Been Stronger, Like My Poll Numbers’
Louvre officials say the crown was stolen, Trump says it was “underutilized.”
Latest Headlines
Politics
White House Doctor Declares Trump ‘Healthier Than Science Allows’
After a glowing medical review, the White House physician declared Trump’s body a “biological marvel,” leaving scientists stunned and scales terrified.
Party of Christian Values Confirms: Jesus Would Have Let Him Die
Republicans say Jesus healed the sick for free, but that was before government waste. Now, the faithful must choose between mercy and the MAGA plan.
Is It Racist or Just Republican? Vance Unsure Why AI Sombrero Meme Upset Jeffries
Vance calls Trump’s AI sombrero meme “just a joke” as Jeffries demands respect, proving once again that America’s political discourse now runs entirely on memes and mariachi.
Is It Still a Shutdown If Nothing Worked Anyway?
As midnight looms, Congress debates whether to save the government or just finally unplug it. Democrats proposed funding; Republicans proposed silence.
U.S.
Furious Loomer Chains Herself to Potato Statue to Stop Qatari Takeover
Laura Loomer declares a Boise potato the last line of defense against a nonexistent Qatari base. The Pentagon denies it. The statue remains neutral and delicious.
Hegseth Reportedly Tried to Baptize Himself in Santo Tequila, ‘For the Troops’
In a story that blends scripture with spirits, Pete Hegseth faces new scrutiny after an alleged million-dollar tequila “baptism.” Guy Fieri calls it “a faith-based felony.”
Trump Offers ‘Thoughts and Flares’ After Judge’s Home Burns Down
White House officials say “spontaneous combustion” can occur when freedom meets judicial resistance. Critics call it arson; Trump calls it justice with a spark.
RFK Jr. celebrates 1,500 measles cases as “a victory for holistic immune freedom.”
As measles cases climb past 1,500, HHS Secretary RFK Jr. unveils “Catch It to Beat It,” a patriotic push to replace vaccines with faith, fever, and fresh air.
World
Trump Threatens to Bomb Nobel Peace Prize Committee Until They ‘See Peace His Way’
After losing the Nobel Peace Prize, Trump vows “beautiful, precision-style diplomacy” against Norway. Officials call it “peace through air superiority.”
Trump Baffled After Learning Bailout for Argentina Somehow Benefits China: ‘Nobody Saw This Coming Except Everyone’
After a leaked text showed his Cabinet questioning the plan, Trump insisted the move was “genius economics.” Experts called it “feeding your rival dessert first.”
Trump Asks King Charles If Crown Comes in MAGA Red
At Windsor Castle, Trump quizzed King Charles about crowns, thrones, and brand options. The visit turned into a crash course in monarchy, plus a light sales pitch.
Windsor Castle Joins Streaming Wars, Debuts New True Crime Docuseries on Its Walls
Trump’s UK visit turned into a streaming event as Windsor Castle became a true crime billboard. Protesters projected Epstein photos larger than life.
Health
FDA Approves New Pill That Lets You Forget Every Dumb Thing You’ve Ever Texted
Big Pharma calls it “therapeutic erasure.” Users call it “finally, peace.” FDA approves Regretti, the first pill to erase every humiliating message from your past.
Like Trump Steaks, But for Pills: Trump Unveils TrumpRx
Trump introduces TrumpRx, the first prescription plan that promises “300% savings” and includes a free hat if you buy six bottles of antacids.
Finance
Economists Confirm: 90% of Americans Now Identify as ‘Between Paychecks’
Economists say “broke” is no longer a circumstance, it’s an identity. Treasury officials now classify optimism as America’s leading currency.
Federal Reserve Cuts Rates, Americans Celebrate by Not Buying Anything Anyway
Wall Street cheered, Main Street yawned. A quarter-point rate cut can’t move a housing market frozen in amber or a job market stuck in quicksand.
Entertainment
Danica Patrick Blasts Bad Bunny: ‘The Only Spanish at the Super Bowl Should Be Doritos’
Danica Patrick called Bad Bunny’s halftime show “a threat to American values,” insisting halftime acts stick to English, country music, and tailgate-approved beverages.
FCC Declares Only Punchlines Approved by Department of Homeland Laughs Allowed
Trump’s FCC unveils a Department of Homeland Laughs, suspends Kimmel, and promises America only safe, patriotic punchlines from now on.
Disguised Druski Blends In at NASCAR, Accidentally Becomes MAGA Hero
Druski went undercover at NASCAR in full white face and denim overalls, but the skit went too well. Fans mistook him for a local leader and accidentally promoted him to precinct captain.
Disney Quietly Hires Furries, Says They’re the Only Ones Who Actually Enjoy Sweating Inside a Giant Mouse Suit
Disney leans into chaos, turning theme parks into a cross between Comic-Con and a litter box.
Folly Finds
Deals for People Who Think Jeff Bezos Is Watching Them Through the Microwave
Are you tired of buying toilet paper and surveillance in the same box? Do you break out in hives when you see a smiley arrow that looks like it knows your browser history?…
The “You’re Officially Old Now” Starter Pack
Welcome to the age where your back goes out more than you do. Whether you’re in denial, icing your knee from a “weird sleeping injury,” or genuinely excited about home warranties, this collection…
4th of July Survival Guide: Essentials for the Patriotically Panicked
Whether you’re scared of fireworks, family, or just the existential fragility of democracy, here’s what you need to barely survive Independence Day — with your dignity singed, but still intact. What Makes This List…
Cartoons
Democracy Yard Sale: Everything Must Go, Including the Republic
The White House lawn turns into America’s least patriotic garage sale, featuring gently used freedoms, a lightly tarnished Bill of Rights, and a pre-owned justice system. Ivanka handles pricing while Trump hangs a…
Did Rome Fall Like This Too?
When emperors run out of wisdom, they reach for scapegoats. Firing experts, raiding the treasury, and blaming outsiders worked wonders—right up until the empire imploded. History’s greatest hits are playing again, now in…
When Bureaucracy Breaks
America’s endless red tape finally snaps, leaving lawmakers stunned and citizens wondering who’s in charge now. Progress or pandemonium — take your pick.
Unsubscribe From Reality
Lifestyle
Nation’s Dogs Issue Joint Statement: ‘We Have No Idea What the Cats Are Planning’
The nation’s dogs have convened a canine intelligence coalition to address rising concern over “feline espionage.” So far, they have no leads—just fur.
Math Professor Confirms You’re More Likely to Be Mauled by a Bear Riding a Shark During a Lightning Storm Than Win Lottery
The Powerball jackpot is nearly a billion, but your odds of winning are lower than being mauled by a bear riding a shark. Statisticians confirm life is basically a cosmic prank show.
Tony Robbins Sues AI Clones for Offering Motivation Without Making You Walk on Fire
Tony Robbins is suing AI bots for offering motivation without a $3,000 seminar or mandatory fire walk, claiming emotional and financial theft.
Retired Man Now Begins Every Day by Fixing Something That Wasn’t Broken
Harold Menzies begins every day by fixing household items that aren't broken. His wife, Marlene, has started hiding tools in self-defense.
Education
Ryan Walters: “Turning Point USA Will Replace Guidance Counselors, Who Were Woke Anyway”
Walters promises students will no longer be burdened with “woke” counseling, instead finding life guidance in Charlie Kirk’s greatest hits and free water bottles.
Parents Celebrate “Most Wonderful Time of the Year” as Children Return to School and Stop Asking for Snacks Every 6 Minutes
Parents celebrate the return of silence as children head back to school and immediately run out of energy.
Law
Trump Deploys ICE Boats to Hunt Undocumented Leprechauns in Chicago River
Armed ICE boats storm the Chicago River in search of undocumented leprechauns accused of “unlawful green dyeing.” Experts call it St. Patrick’s Day panic.
Beastie Boys Sued After Brass Monkey Found to Be Just a Hungover Lemur in Costume
Fans file suit after learning the “brass monkey” wasn’t brass, funky, or a monkey
Family
Mom Says “We’re Leaving in 5 Minutes,” Secretly Begins 45-Minute Exit Process
Local mom’s “five minute” warning accidentally triggers 45-minute departure marathon while dad stands silently holding keys.
Woman Hospitalized After Husband Says ‘Sydney Sweeney Can Fit In These, So Can You’
A MAGA husband is under fire after insisting his wife could fit into Sydney Sweeney’s American Eagle jeans. The incident ended in tears, paramedics, and a denim boycott.
Newly Married Couple Adds Third Throw Pillow, Marriage Officially in Trouble Already
The honeymoon is over, and so is marital peace, after one couple introduces a third decorative pillow into their living room.
Biologists Classify JD Vance’s Jog as New Species of Flightless Flail
Vice President JD Vance’s strange Disneyland jog has been classified as a new species of movement, somewhere between a duckling and a haunted marionette.
Tech
Man Hospitalized After ChatGPT Mistakes ‘Salt Substitute’ for ‘Industrial Pool Cleaner’
A man’s quest for a healthier diet took a turn for the toxic after ChatGPT suggested swapping table salt for a pool cleaner ingredient.
AOL Finally Pulls Plug on Dial-Up, Forcing 160,000 Americans to Rejoin This Century
After 30 years, AOL is ending dial-up internet. About 160,000 Americans will now have to log on without a busy signal.
Sports
Wasn’t in the Playbook: Ex-NFL Star Quits FBI After Trump Calls Blitz on Immigrants
The ex-Bears legend says he joined to protect the country, not help the president call a zone blitz on asylum seekers. After all, not every defender tackles conscience as easily as a wide…
UFC Announces White House Fight Night, Finally Makes Idiocracy a Documentary
America is turning its front lawn into a cage fight, complete with McGregor, Trump commentary, and a pyrotechnic budget larger than the Pentagon’s cafeteria.
Celebrities
Taylor Swift Engaged to Travis Kelce: NFL Approves Deal After Reviewing Salary Cap Implications
Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s engagement isn’t just a love story — it’s an NFL roster transaction complete with cap space concerns, signing bonus debates, and fans questioning the prenup structure.
D-List Actor Who Played Superman 30 Years Ago Now Arresting Real People for “Fun”
Former Superman D-List actor Dean Cain has joined ICE to help deport migrants, sparking confusion, concern, and absolutely zero Emmy buzz.
Doctor Admits 90% of Celebrity Lyme Cases Just Coincide With Tabloid Emergencies
After Justin Timberlake revealed his Lyme diagnosis, one doctor confessed that most celebrity cases are just “tabloid smoke bombs with flu symptoms.”
New Romance Sparks Concern Among Friends as Jennifer Aniston Allegedly Believes She’s a Golden Retriever
Jennifer Aniston’s new romance takes an unexpected turn as she reportedly believes she’s a Golden Retriever thanks to her hypnotist boyfriend. Friends are deeply confused but cautiously supportive.
Science
Asteroid Expected to Slam Moon, End 5,000-Year Streak of Nothing Happening Up There
Scientists say asteroid YR4 may strike the moon in 2032, finally giving it something to do besides ruining werewolf bar mitzvahs.
New Study Says Weed Deadly — Experts Unsure If Just Really Really High or Just Paranoid
A massive medical study links marijuana use to increased heart attack and stroke risk, but critics say the researchers may just be very, very paranoid. Again.
Business
Ben Eats Entire Warehouse of Chunky Monkey to Cope With Breakup From Jerry
After Jerry’s dramatic exit, Ben Cohen turns heartbreak into a 400,000-gallon ice cream binge. Vermont runs out of bananas, and fans run out of patience.
Global Shoppers Punish U.S. Over Trump Tariffs, Finally Try Jeans That Fit
Levi’s, Coke, and McDonald’s are watching foreign customers abandon them in droves. Trump calls it winning, but the rest of the world calls it “finally upgrading.”
Dear Folly
Dear Folly: Help! I Can Hear My Neighbor Masturbating and It Kind of Turns Me On
A concerned (and slightly aroused) reader writes in after discovering her neighbor’s solo sessions are… oddly compelling. Dear Folly weighs in with deeply…
Dear Folly: My Husband Thinks Watching Survivor Means He Can Now Make All Household Decisions
Woman writes in after her husband tries to “vote out” doing the dishes following Survivor finale.
Dear Folly: The Perplexing Chirp of Love
Dear Folly, I find myself in quite the conundrum and I'm hoping you can shed some light on my situation. You see, my…
Hello There!
The Folly Times – your go to source for news that doesn’t take itself too seriously because, let’s face it, the world is absurd enough already. We specialize in scoops of satire, slivers of sarcasm, and dollops of dry humor, with a hint of dad jokes all layered into a cake of cutting-edge commentary.
So go ahead, explore our laughable lexicon of “news” that’s so outlandish, it could almost be true — maybe one day…
