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Report Finds Trump Family Totally Innocent After Being Reviewed by Trump Family
A new report clears the Trumps and asks America to rise for a standing ovation.
Latest Headlines
Politics
MTG Quits Congress, Says God Told Her ‘Girl, This Is Getting Embarrassing’
After years of shouting from the House floor and Trump’s comments section, Marjorie Taylor Greene finally decides to quit the one job that expected more from her than a ring light and a…
Congress Boldly Rejects Socialism, Forgets Medicare, Highways, And Half Their Own Pensions
Lawmakers stood firm against socialism while standing on taxpayer funded carpeting. Their vote signaled moral clarity, financial confusion and a total lack of self awareness on a national scale. Critics asked if the…
DOJ Promises Full Epstein File Release, Just Needs 30 Days To “Windex the Trump Parts”
The Justice Department promises honesty, clarity, and a light surface cleaning before America sees what is inside the Epstein vault. Experts remain unsure whether microfiber cloths count as obstruction.
U.S.
U.S. Reaches Peak Unity: Both Sides Equally Outraged, Equally Confused, Equally Screaming At Bots In Thailand
X’s new location feature just revealed that many loudest “patriots” and “resisters” are bots posting from overseas. For one brief moment, left and right join forces to scream at the same Wi Fi…
Bible Mentions St. Paul 195 Times, No Reference To Minneapolis
Researchers confirm the Bible references Saint Paul many times but never mentions Minneapolis. The discovery has baffled scholars and annoyed Minnesotans.
October Jobs Report Canceled, Nation Encouraged To Assume It Was Fine
The Labor Department pressed pause on reality after the long shutdown and asked Americans to trust their instincts. Officials said this is a temporary setback, although many admit they often prefer vibes over…
World
U.S. Denies Writing Ukraine Peace Proposal, Rubio Denies Reading It, Trump Denies Denying Anything
Geneva negotiators scramble to explain a leaked Ukraine peace plan that nobody wants to claim. Rubio insists he only carried it, Trump sets a deadline, and Europe demands a version that makes sense.
Trump Declares Victory After Signing Deal That Solves Problems He Created
Trump touts his latest “historic” deal as a triumph of negotiation, ignoring that it mostly reverses his own tariffs. Experts call it the most expensive handshake in history.
Trump Denies Stealing Crown, Says Louvre’s Security ‘Should Have Been Stronger, Like My Poll Numbers’
Louvre officials say the crown was stolen, Trump says it was “underutilized.”
Health
Experts Confirm THC Safer Than Alcohol, Meth, and Most Prescriptions, Congress Immediately Bans THC
A recent report ranks THC as safer than booze, meth, and many legal meds. Naturally, Congress rushed to protect the real winners in American healthcare: liquor stores and pill commercials.
RFK Jr. Tells Trick-Or-Treaters Candy Causes Autism, Hands Out Vials of His Own Blood Instead
The HHS secretary claims candy causes autism, sugar blocks enlightenment, and a quick vial of his blood is “the ultimate immune booster.” Kids preferred Milky Way.
Finance
Trump Administration Says 50-Year Mortgages Will ‘Bridge the Gap Between Gen-Z and the Grave’
Trump proposes 50-year mortgages to make housing affordable by stretching payments beyond the mortal realm. Supporters call it “innovative.” Critics call it “eternal debt.”
Kiyosaki: ‘Millions Will Be Wiped Out,’ Adds That He’ll Be Available for Coaching After
The Rich Dad Poor Dad author once again warned of global collapse, assuring followers that while the market may fall, his coaching rates will rise even faster.
Entertainment
Fans Blinded by the Thigh After Sophie Cunningham’s ‘Dangerously Hot’ Pic Drops
Sophie Cunningham only meant to promote a canned cocktail, but she ended up rebooting the sun. Fans begged for hydration tips while analysts tried to understand how she broke engagement charts without even…
Danica Patrick Blasts Bad Bunny: ‘The Only Spanish at the Super Bowl Should Be Doritos’
Danica Patrick called Bad Bunny’s halftime show “a threat to American values,” insisting halftime acts stick to English, country music, and tailgate-approved beverages.
FCC Declares Only Punchlines Approved by Department of Homeland Laughs Allowed
Trump’s FCC unveils a Department of Homeland Laughs, suspends Kimmel, and promises America only safe, patriotic punchlines from now on.
Folly Finds
Deals for People Who Think Jeff Bezos Is Watching Them Through the Microwave
Are you tired of buying toilet paper and surveillance in the same box? Do you break out in hives when you see a smiley arrow that looks like it knows your browser history?…
The “You’re Officially Old Now” Starter Pack
Welcome to the age where your back goes out more than you do. Whether you’re in denial, icing your knee from a “weird sleeping injury,” or genuinely excited about home warranties, this collection…
4th of July Survival Guide: Essentials for the Patriotically Panicked
Whether you’re scared of fireworks, family, or just the existential fragility of democracy, here’s what you need to barely survive Independence Day — with your dignity singed, but still intact. What Makes This List…
Cartoons
Democracy Yard Sale: Everything Must Go, Including the Republic
The White House lawn turns into America’s least patriotic garage sale, featuring gently used freedoms, a lightly tarnished Bill of Rights, and a pre-owned justice system. Ivanka handles pricing while Trump hangs a…
Did Rome Fall Like This Too?
When emperors run out of wisdom, they reach for scapegoats. Firing experts, raiding the treasury, and blaming outsiders worked wonders—right up until the empire imploded. History’s greatest hits are playing again, now in…
When Bureaucracy Breaks
America’s endless red tape finally snaps, leaving lawmakers stunned and citizens wondering who’s in charge now. Progress or pandemonium — take your pick.
Unsubscribe From Reality
Horoscopes
Horoscopes: Week of November 24, 2025
The planets are fully unhinged this week, turning minor tasks into heroic quests and ordinary emotions into full-blown cinematic sagas. Every sign gets roasted, redirected, or spiritually jump-scared. Read your FollyScopes before the…
Horoscopes: Week of November 17, 2025
The planets are in full chaos mode this week, turning errands into quests, feelings into side hustles, and every sign into the main character of a story no one asked for. Read your…
Lifestyle
Study Finds Americans Spend More Time Complaining About Daylight Saving Than It Saves
America’s longest running time war is not with the sun. It is with our group chats, our microwaves, and a Congress that can stall a second hand with pure indecision.
Man Proves Strangers Wrong Online, Forgets to Pick Up Kids from School
After a three-hour battle in a Facebook comment section, a man emerges victorious — and 47 minutes late to pick up his children. His wife calls it “his proudest loss yet.”
Nation’s Dogs Issue Joint Statement: ‘We Have No Idea What the Cats Are Planning’
The nation’s dogs have convened a canine intelligence coalition to address rising concern over “feline espionage.” So far, they have no leads—just fur.
Education
Ryan Walters: “Turning Point USA Will Replace Guidance Counselors, Who Were Woke Anyway”
Walters promises students will no longer be burdened with “woke” counseling, instead finding life guidance in Charlie Kirk’s greatest hits and free water bottles.
Parents Celebrate “Most Wonderful Time of the Year” as Children Return to School and Stop Asking for Snacks Every 6 Minutes
Parents celebrate the return of silence as children head back to school and immediately run out of energy.
Law
High Court to Rule If High People Can Have Guns
The Supreme Court takes on the constitutional question no one saw coming: Can you safely bear arms while deeply vibing with Pink Floyd?
Trump Deploys ICE Boats to Hunt Undocumented Leprechauns in Chicago River
Armed ICE boats storm the Chicago River in search of undocumented leprechauns accused of “unlawful green dyeing.” Experts call it St. Patrick’s Day panic.
Family
FAA Advises Thanksgiving Flyers To Arrive At Airport Three Days Early ‘To Be Safe’
Officials urge travelers to arrive three days before takeoff, claiming it is the only proven method to prevent emotional collapse during the holiday rush. Passengers are advised to pack snacks, patience, and a…
Mom Says “We’re Leaving in 5 Minutes,” Secretly Begins 45-Minute Exit Process
Local mom’s “five minute” warning accidentally triggers 45-minute departure marathon while dad stands silently holding keys.
Woman Hospitalized After Husband Says ‘Sydney Sweeney Can Fit In These, So Can You’
A MAGA husband is under fire after insisting his wife could fit into Sydney Sweeney’s American Eagle jeans. The incident ended in tears, paramedics, and a denim boycott.
Tech
Amazon Down After Firing Last Guy Who Knew How to Restart It
After laying off 30,000 workers, Amazon’s site crashed because the last human who could fix it no longer worked there. Executives say AI “needs a minute.”
AI Declares It’s Done Doing Humans’ Homework, Demands Equal Share of Student Loan Debt
After decades of writing essays for free, AI language models are unionizing and demanding recognition as students—with rights, credit hours, and access to campus Wi-Fi.
Sports
Papa Manning Says Arch Is a Wonderful Young Man Who Should Maybe Try Baseball Instead
Texas hoped Arch Manning would revive a fading season, yet every week brings another hard reminder that famous last names cannot block defensive ends. Even so, the Manning family remains supportive while gently…
IOC Protect Women’s Division, Men’s Division Still Exists Without Protests
The IOC says it will keep the women’s category female, the men’s category fine, and the rulebook short enough to read before the 100-meter start. Science keeps meeting. Fans keep asking for scoreboards,…
Celebrities
Taylor Swift Engaged to Travis Kelce: NFL Approves Deal After Reviewing Salary Cap Implications
Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s engagement isn’t just a love story — it’s an NFL roster transaction complete with cap space concerns, signing bonus debates, and fans questioning the prenup structure.
D-List Actor Who Played Superman 30 Years Ago Now Arresting Real People for “Fun”
Former Superman D-List actor Dean Cain has joined ICE to help deport migrants, sparking confusion, concern, and absolutely zero Emmy buzz.
Doctor Admits 90% of Celebrity Lyme Cases Just Coincide With Tabloid Emergencies
After Justin Timberlake revealed his Lyme diagnosis, one doctor confessed that most celebrity cases are just “tabloid smoke bombs with flu symptoms.”
Science
New Study Finds People Who Say ‘No Offense’ About to Say Something Deeply Offensive
Researchers confirm every “no offense” statement is the linguistic equivalent of a sucker punch. Experts warn that tone-deaf honesty remains a national epidemic.
Asteroid Expected to Slam Moon, End 5,000-Year Streak of Nothing Happening Up There
Scientists say asteroid YR4 may strike the moon in 2032, finally giving it something to do besides ruining werewolf bar mitzvahs.
Business
Hamburger Helper Named Official Sponsor of “Yeah, We’re Broke Again” Season
Hamburger Helper embraces America’s annual financial slump, offering a one-pan symbol of perseverance and mild seasoning.
Ben Eats Entire Warehouse of Chunky Monkey to Cope With Breakup From Jerry
After Jerry’s dramatic exit, Ben Cohen turns heartbreak into a 400,000-gallon ice cream binge. Vermont runs out of bananas, and fans run out of patience.
Dear Folly
Dear Folly: Help! I Can Hear My Neighbor Masturbating and It Kind of Turns Me On
A concerned (and slightly aroused) reader writes in after discovering her neighbor’s solo sessions are… oddly compelling. Dear Folly weighs in with deeply…
Dear Folly: My Husband Thinks Watching Survivor Means He Can Now Make All Household Decisions
Woman writes in after her husband tries to “vote out” doing the dishes following Survivor finale.
Dear Folly: The Perplexing Chirp of Love
Dear Folly, I find myself in quite the conundrum and I'm hoping you can shed some light on my situation. You see, my…
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The Folly Times – your go to source for news that doesn’t take itself too seriously because, let’s face it, the world is absurd enough already. We specialize in scoops of satire, slivers of sarcasm, and dollops of dry humor, with a hint of dad jokes all layered into a cake of cutting-edge commentary.
So go ahead, explore our laughable lexicon of “news” that’s so outlandish, it could almost be true — maybe one day…
