The Folly Times
Absurd headlines, political mockery, and the not news you didn’t know you needed.
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Hegseth Reportedly Tried to Baptize Himself in Santo Tequila, ‘For the Troops’
In a story that blends scripture with spirits, Pete Hegseth faces new scrutiny after an alleged million-dollar tequila “baptism.” Guy Fieri calls it “a faith-based felony.”
Latest Headlines
Politics
Is It Still a Shutdown If Nothing Worked Anyway?
As midnight looms, Congress debates whether to save the government or just finally unplug it. Democrats proposed funding; Republicans proposed silence.
Hegseth Warns Military to ‘Stay Mission-Focused’ as Government Crumbles Like Biden’s Bike Balance
As the government faces a midnight shutdown, Pete Hegseth tells troops to rely on faith and fitness instead of funding, calling paychecks “optional patriotism.”
Trump Baffled After Learning Bailout for Argentina Somehow Benefits China: ‘Nobody Saw This Coming Except Everyone’
After a leaked text showed his Cabinet questioning the plan, Trump insisted the move was “genius economics.” Experts called it “feeding your rival dessert first.”
Trump Claims Nobel Peace Prize ‘Rigged,’ Says He’ll Make His Own Better One
After years of being ignored by the Nobel Committee, President Trump announces his own “Peace Awards,” promising bigger trophies, better winners, and way more gold leaf.
U.S.
Trump Deploys ICE Boats to Hunt Undocumented Leprechauns in Chicago River
Armed ICE boats storm the Chicago River in search of undocumented leprechauns accused of “unlawful green dyeing.” Experts call it St. Patrick’s Day panic.
Hegseth Summons Generals for Purge Preview, Asks Them to Tremble in Unison
Hegseth trades war planning for strongman theater, summoning hundreds of generals to Virginia for a mass loyalty audition.
Ryan Walters: “Turning Point USA Will Replace Guidance Counselors, Who Were Woke Anyway”
Walters promises students will no longer be burdened with “woke” counseling, instead finding life guidance in Charlie Kirk’s greatest hits and free water bottles.
Trump and Musk Reunite at Kirk Memorial, Bond Over Shared Love of Attention
The world’s two most attention-starved men rediscovered their chemistry at a funeral, proving nothing unites billionaires like cameras and grief.
World
Trump Asks King Charles If Crown Comes in MAGA Red
At Windsor Castle, Trump quizzed King Charles about crowns, thrones, and brand options. The visit turned into a crash course in monarchy, plus a light sales pitch.
Windsor Castle Joins Streaming Wars, Debuts New True Crime Docuseries on Its Walls
Trump’s UK visit turned into a streaming event as Windsor Castle became a true crime billboard. Protesters projected Epstein photos larger than life.
Global Shoppers Punish U.S. Over Trump Tariffs, Finally Try Jeans That Fit
Levi’s, Coke, and McDonald’s are watching foreign customers abandon them in droves. Trump calls it winning, but the rest of the world calls it “finally upgrading.”
Sources Confirm Xi, Putin, Kim Were Actually Discussing Which Trump Golf Course Has Best Buffet
Donald Trump accused Xi, Putin, and Kim of conspiring against America during a Beijing parade. Sources say they were simply debating which Trump golf course buffet had the best crab legs.
Health
5 Signs Your Mother Took Tylenol While Pregnant, According to Dr. Trump
President Trump, joined by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., warns Americans that prenatal Tylenol use could cause reading, feelings, and feminism. Doctors urge the public to stop listening to him.
White House Says Autism ‘Solved’ After Trump Suggests Horses Rarely Get It
Trump blames Tylenol for autism, praises horse dewormer as miracle cure, and claims horses prove his point because “they don’t get it.”
Finance
Federal Reserve Cuts Rates, Americans Celebrate by Not Buying Anything Anyway
Wall Street cheered, Main Street yawned. A quarter-point rate cut can’t move a housing market frozen in amber or a job market stuck in quicksand.
Intel Surges After Trump Says Government Will “Draft It in the First Round”
Trump treats the stock market like the NFL Draft, and Intel just went first overall.
Entertainment
FCC Declares Only Punchlines Approved by Department of Homeland Laughs Allowed
Trump’s FCC unveils a Department of Homeland Laughs, suspends Kimmel, and promises America only safe, patriotic punchlines from now on.
Disguised Druski Blends In at NASCAR, Accidentally Becomes MAGA Hero
Druski went undercover at NASCAR in full white face and denim overalls, but the skit went too well. Fans mistook him for a local leader and accidentally promoted him to precinct captain.
Disney Quietly Hires Furries, Says They’re the Only Ones Who Actually Enjoy Sweating Inside a Giant Mouse Suit
Disney leans into chaos, turning theme parks into a cross between Comic-Con and a litter box.
Beastie Boys Sued After Brass Monkey Found to Be Just a Hungover Lemur in Costume
Fans file suit after learning the “brass monkey” wasn’t brass, funky, or a monkey
Folly Finds
Deals for People Who Think Jeff Bezos Is Watching Them Through the Microwave
Are you tired of buying toilet paper and surveillance in the same box? Do you break out in hives when you see a smiley arrow that looks like it knows your browser history?…
The “You’re Officially Old Now” Starter Pack
Welcome to the age where your back goes out more than you do. Whether you’re in denial, icing your knee from a “weird sleeping injury,” or genuinely excited about home warranties, this collection…
4th of July Survival Guide: Essentials for the Patriotically Panicked
Whether you’re scared of fireworks, family, or just the existential fragility of democracy, here’s what you need to barely survive Independence Day — with your dignity singed, but still intact. What Makes This List…
Cartoons
Did Rome Fall Like This Too?
When emperors run out of wisdom, they reach for scapegoats. Firing experts, raiding the treasury, and blaming outsiders worked wonders—right up until the empire imploded. History’s greatest hits are playing again, now in…
When Bureaucracy Breaks
America’s endless red tape finally snaps, leaving lawmakers stunned and citizens wondering who’s in charge now. Progress or pandemonium — take your pick.
Lady Liberty Signs Streaming Deal, Freedom Now Pay-Per-View
Freedom has officially joined the streaming era, with Lady Liberty signing an exclusive deal to make democracy available by subscription only.
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Lifestyle
Math Professor Confirms You’re More Likely to Be Mauled by a Bear Riding a Shark During a Lightning Storm Than Win Lottery
The Powerball jackpot is nearly a billion, but your odds of winning are lower than being mauled by a bear riding a shark. Statisticians confirm life is basically a cosmic prank show.
Tony Robbins Sues AI Clones for Offering Motivation Without Making You Walk on Fire
Tony Robbins is suing AI bots for offering motivation without a $3,000 seminar or mandatory fire walk, claiming emotional and financial theft.
Retired Man Now Begins Every Day by Fixing Something That Wasn’t Broken
Harold Menzies begins every day by fixing household items that aren't broken. His wife, Marlene, has started hiding tools in self-defense.
Local Man Refuses to Use Self-Checkout, Demands Human Eye Contact
A Midwestern man sparks a checkout standoff after demanding old-school cashier service, emotional validation, and sustained eye contact.
Education
Parents Celebrate “Most Wonderful Time of the Year” as Children Return to School and Stop Asking for Snacks Every 6 Minutes
Parents celebrate the return of silence as children head back to school and immediately run out of energy.
“America First” Teacher Exam Requires New York and California Educators to Prove Trump Won in 2020
Oklahoma adds political loyalty test for out-of-state teachers
Law
Trump Federalizes DC Police Days After ‘Big Balls’ Beating, Conspiracy Theorists Smell a MAGA-Staged Masterpiece
After ‘Big Balls’ was beaten in DC, Trump took control of the police in record time — some say it was all part of the show.
Congress Cheers D.C. Police Takeover, Says It’s About Time Escorts Could Get Home Without Getting Robbed by “Real Criminals”
Trump’s federal takeover of DC’s police force has Congress celebrating, saying their escorts can now arrive without running into “real criminals” — though some note the biggest crooks still sit in the chambers.
Family
Mom Says “We’re Leaving in 5 Minutes,” Secretly Begins 45-Minute Exit Process
Local mom’s “five minute” warning accidentally triggers 45-minute departure marathon while dad stands silently holding keys.
Woman Hospitalized After Husband Says ‘Sydney Sweeney Can Fit In These, So Can You’
A MAGA husband is under fire after insisting his wife could fit into Sydney Sweeney’s American Eagle jeans. The incident ended in tears, paramedics, and a denim boycott.
Newly Married Couple Adds Third Throw Pillow, Marriage Officially in Trouble Already
The honeymoon is over, and so is marital peace, after one couple introduces a third decorative pillow into their living room.
Biologists Classify JD Vance’s Jog as New Species of Flightless Flail
Vice President JD Vance’s strange Disneyland jog has been classified as a new species of movement, somewhere between a duckling and a haunted marionette.
Tech
Man Hospitalized After ChatGPT Mistakes ‘Salt Substitute’ for ‘Industrial Pool Cleaner’
A man’s quest for a healthier diet took a turn for the toxic after ChatGPT suggested swapping table salt for a pool cleaner ingredient.
AOL Finally Pulls Plug on Dial-Up, Forcing 160,000 Americans to Rejoin This Century
After 30 years, AOL is ending dial-up internet. About 160,000 Americans will now have to log on without a busy signal.
Sports
Wasn’t in the Playbook: Ex-NFL Star Quits FBI After Trump Calls Blitz on Immigrants
The ex-Bears legend says he joined to protect the country, not help the president call a zone blitz on asylum seekers. After all, not every defender tackles conscience as easily as a wide…
UFC Announces White House Fight Night, Finally Makes Idiocracy a Documentary
America is turning its front lawn into a cage fight, complete with McGregor, Trump commentary, and a pyrotechnic budget larger than the Pentagon’s cafeteria.
Celebrities
Taylor Swift Engaged to Travis Kelce: NFL Approves Deal After Reviewing Salary Cap Implications
Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s engagement isn’t just a love story — it’s an NFL roster transaction complete with cap space concerns, signing bonus debates, and fans questioning the prenup structure.
D-List Actor Who Played Superman 30 Years Ago Now Arresting Real People for “Fun”
Former Superman D-List actor Dean Cain has joined ICE to help deport migrants, sparking confusion, concern, and absolutely zero Emmy buzz.
Doctor Admits 90% of Celebrity Lyme Cases Just Coincide With Tabloid Emergencies
After Justin Timberlake revealed his Lyme diagnosis, one doctor confessed that most celebrity cases are just “tabloid smoke bombs with flu symptoms.”
New Romance Sparks Concern Among Friends as Jennifer Aniston Allegedly Believes She’s a Golden Retriever
Jennifer Aniston’s new romance takes an unexpected turn as she reportedly believes she’s a Golden Retriever thanks to her hypnotist boyfriend. Friends are deeply confused but cautiously supportive.
Science
Asteroid Expected to Slam Moon, End 5,000-Year Streak of Nothing Happening Up There
Scientists say asteroid YR4 may strike the moon in 2032, finally giving it something to do besides ruining werewolf bar mitzvahs.
New Study Says Weed Deadly — Experts Unsure If Just Really Really High or Just Paranoid
A massive medical study links marijuana use to increased heart attack and stroke risk, but critics say the researchers may just be very, very paranoid. Again.
Business
Ben Eats Entire Warehouse of Chunky Monkey to Cope With Breakup From Jerry
After Jerry’s dramatic exit, Ben Cohen turns heartbreak into a 400,000-gallon ice cream binge. Vermont runs out of bananas, and fans run out of patience.
Trump Axes Airline Compensation Rule — Passengers Now Paid in Thoughts and Prayers
Stranded fliers hoping for compensation can now count on prayer instead. The administration says spiritual growth is more valuable than sandwiches, though both remain overpriced.
Dear Folly
Dear Folly: Help! I Can Hear My Neighbor Masturbating and It Kind of Turns Me On
A concerned (and slightly aroused) reader writes in after discovering her neighbor’s solo sessions are… oddly compelling. Dear Folly weighs in with deeply…
Dear Folly: My Husband Thinks Watching Survivor Means He Can Now Make All Household Decisions
Woman writes in after her husband tries to “vote out” doing the dishes following Survivor finale.
Dear Folly: The Perplexing Chirp of Love
Dear Folly, I find myself in quite the conundrum and I'm hoping you can shed some light on my situation. You see, my…
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Hello There!
The Folly Times – your go to source for news that doesn’t take itself too seriously because, let’s face it, the world is absurd enough already. We specialize in scoops of satire, slivers of sarcasm, and dollops of dry humor, with a hint of dad jokes all layered into a cake of cutting-edge commentary.
So go ahead, explore our laughable lexicon of “news” that’s so outlandish, it could almost be true — maybe one day…
