NEED TO KNOW
- President says Americans will receive checks “very soon, maybe sooner.”
- Treasury clarifies February 30th is “a target date in spirit.”
- Economists call plan “fiscally impossible,” Trump calls them “boring.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced Monday that Americans will soon receive $2,000 rebate checks funded by tariff revenues, proudly confirming they’ll hit mailboxes on “February 30th, a beautiful date that everyone agrees will be tremendous.”
“People don’t understand, we’re making so much money from tariffs,” Trump told reporters outside Air Force One, gesturing broadly toward an airplane that wasn’t his. “Billions and billions. Frankly, we’re swimming in it. You’re gonna get checks so fast, you’ll think it’s still February, which, in a way, it will be.”
The Treasury Department later clarified that February 30th “represents an aspirational payment timeline,” describing it as “a date that captures the administration’s commitment to fiscal imagination.”
Checks Funded by Math That Doesn’t Exist
According to the White House, tariff collections total roughly $220 billion, or enough to cover about two-thirds of the proposed payout. When pressed on the math, Trump responded, “We’ll make up the rest with the surplus from not paying Ukraine, NPR, or whoever else Joe Biden sends your money to.”
Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, blinking rapidly, confirmed that “details are being finalized,” adding that the program would “definitely stimulate something, though it’s unclear what.”
Economists estimate the plan would cost $326 billion, but Trump has insisted that number is fake news. “They said the same thing about my golf handicap,” he said. “Turns out I was right about both.”
‘Checks So Good, You Won’t Even Need Them’
In a Truth Social post early Tuesday, Trump promised that the checks would not only arrive “ahead of schedule” but also “save America.” “You’re getting $2,000 from tariffs,” he wrote. “Paid for by China, Mexico, probably Canada if they behave. The money will go straight to YOU, unless you’re rich, or mean to me online.”
When asked how the checks would be distributed, White House aides pointed to “existing systems,” before admitting those systems “do not currently exist.” One staffer reportedly suggested Venmo, while another proposed “just mailing people gold stickers that say THANK YOU.”
Despite criticism, polls show 48% of voters support the plan, 41% think it’s satire, and 11% are still waiting for their 2020 stimulus check to clear.
Pressed about inflation concerns, Trump said, “If prices go up, that just means America’s winning. Our money’s so strong it buys less now, because everyone wants it. That’s what success looks like.”
February 30th is shaping up to be one of the most anticipated dates in economic history, followed closely by “next Tuesday” and “whenever infrastructure week starts.”
Everything is fine, checks are real, and arithmetic is for losers Janet Pyles, National Bureau of Fiscal Innovation
