Former publicists for Donald Trump—John Barron, John Miller, Carolin Gallego, and David Dennison—held a joint press conference to express their outrage over reports that Joe Biden allegedly used pseudonyms while serving as Vice President under Barack Obama.
“If this is true, it’s a total disgrace,” declared John Barron, who spoke with an uncanny resemblance to Donald Trump. “I’ve always operated transparently, using my own name and not hiding behind aliases. Biden’s use of pseudonyms is an affront to the American people and undermines the integrity of the office.”
John Miller chimed in, also oddly sounding like Donald Trump but with a slightly different intonation, “The American people deserve transparency, not subterfuge. This is bigger than Watergate, people. It’s Watergate times a million, or even a billion. It’s like Water-billion-gate!”
Carolin Gallego, who had been quiet for a while, finally spoke up, her voice echoing eerily similar tonalities to those of Barron and Miller. “It’s completely hypocritical. I’ve been transparent in my support for Trump from day one. I can’t believe Biden would resort to such deceitful tactics.”
David Dennison, who rounds out the quartet of Trump’s former publicists, took a slightly different tack. “Look, using pseudonyms can be crucial for security reasons, sure. But let’s be honest; the real issue here is accountability. If you’re going to use a pseudonym, at least make it believable. ‘John Barron,’ for example, that’s a name you can trust. Not like these Biden names that are obviously fake.”
While none of the publicists offered concrete evidence of Biden’s alleged use of pseudonyms, they were unanimous in their calls for a full investigation. “The American people deserve nothing less,” concluded John Barron, sounding remarkably presidential.
The Biden administration has not responded to these allegations, but several historians and political analysts were quick to point out that presidents and politicians have often used pseudonyms for various reasons, including security concerns. Nevertheless, the former Trump publicists insisted that their outrage was non-partisan.
“It’s not about being a Republican or a Democrat,” said John Miller. “It’s about the principle, the integrity, and giving the American people what they deserve—transparency, honesty, and names they can pronounce.”
As the news cycles churn and this “scandal” is subjected to fact-checking and scrutiny, one thing is certain: America’s pseudonym game has never been stronger.
