Key Takeaways
- Trump celebrated May 4th by announcing he is “officially a Jedi,” and that “Yoda endorsed me spiritually — people are saying it.”
- He called the Jedi Council “deep state space losers” who blocked him from becoming Grand Master.
- A new merchandise line called The Force Is Strong With This Brand™ launched immediately after the speech.
In the most Trump way possible to celebrate Star Wars Day, the former president held a press conference at Mar-a-Lago flanked by cardboard cutouts of Darth Vader and Chewbacca to formally declare himself a Jedi Master.
“People don’t know this, but I was trained in the ways of the Force,” Trump said, dramatically holding up a gold-plated lightsaber. “I trained with Yoda. Tiny guy, very smart. Better instincts than Fauci. Much better ears too.”
“The Jedi Council? Total Disaster.”
Trump went on to criticize the Jedi Council, calling them “a bunch of bureaucratic losers” who “tried to impeach me — TWICE — from the Force.”
“I was going to be Grand Master. We had the votes. But Mace Windu, total lightweight, came in with fake charges. Fake Force charges. It was a witch hunt. Sad!”
He also claimed the Galactic Senate “stole the election” that would have promoted him to Supreme Chancellor of the Republic, insisting, “Even Jar Jar Binks voted illegally. It’s true. Ask anyone. We have the holograms.”
A New Empire of Merch
Following the announcement, Trump unveiled a new line of licensed Trump-branded Star Wars gear, including:
- “Build the Death Star” hats
- “Make the Empire Great Again” flags
- Lightsabers that shout “YOU’RE FIRED” on ignition
- Limited-edition trading cards featuring Trump in Jedi robes standing heroically on Tatooine, digitally airbrushed to look 40 years younger
Each saber purchase comes with a free voucher for “Force lessons,” redeemable at Trump Golf Resorts (nonrefundable, not valid in blue states or Dagobah).
Critics Strike Back
Social media erupted almost instantly. “This man thinks the Force is a golf swing,” one user wrote. Another said, “He probably thinks Order 66 was a dinner reservation.”
Meanwhile, Trump supporters rallied behind the announcement, tweeting things like, “Trump was the chosen one!” and “He didn’t fall to the dark side — he negotiated it.”
A New Hope (for Relevance)
In closing, Trump promised to use his Jedi powers for good — mostly.
“I could’ve Force-choked Chuck Schumer years ago,” he added, “but I didn’t. That’s restraint. That’s strength. Real Jedi stuff. I’ve got the best midichlorians. They test very high.”
He then turned to the crowd and shouted, “May the Fourth be with Trump! Forever!” before accidentally igniting his lightsaber backward and yelling, “Who designed this thing?!”
