United Airlines announced that its recent nationwide ground stop was caused by someone forgetting to switch off “Airplane Mode” on the central computer system. Thousands of passengers were stranded for hours, but United assured them it was all just a “minor technical difficulty” with a tinge of humor.
“We always tell passengers to turn their devices to Airplane Mode,” said Bob Overhead, a spokesperson for the airline. “It appears our computers took that instruction very seriously, entering a state of meditative stillness that unfortunately does not involve flying planes.”
The ground stop led to widespread delays, impacting flights across the United States. Passengers took to social media to express their feelings, posting photos of crowded terminals, toddlers drawing on walls with crayons, and emotional support peacocks suffering existential crises.
United tried to placate passengers by offering a special in-flight movie screening of “Groundhog Day,” free bags of peanuts, and issuing travel vouchers redeemable in an alternate universe where flights are always on time.
In an internal investigation, United found that the Airplane Mode culprit was a new intern named Tim, who was shadowing the IT department. Tim reportedly toggled Airplane Mode while exploring settings, mistaking the command center’s computer for a new flight simulator game.
“I thought I was doing a pre-flight check,” Tim explained, looking distraught but somehow still employed. “Next thing I knew, all the flights were doing exactly what Airplane Mode is supposed to make them do—nothing.”
Competing airlines are having a field day with United’s hiccup. Southwest’s latest marketing campaign now includes a tagline, “We Know When to Toggle Off,” while Delta is offering a new “Computer Literacy” in-flight course for frequent flyers.
As for United, they have updated their in-house training to include a segment on “Understanding the Irony and Appropriate Use of Airplane Mode.” Bob Overhead offered a final word of advice to passengers: “Next time you’re on a United flight and we tell you to switch your devices to Airplane Mode, maybe… just maybe… think twice?”
